Mammoth

MammothToday I was feeling pretty low. I have been feeling a bit funny physically for the last few days – lots of migraines/headaches, feeling a bit faint/light headed, feeling really really hot… that kind of thing. And a combination of feeling bad physically and mentally is never good.

So S said he would come over after work for a bit to see me and give me some cuddles to cheer me up. And he did.

We ate some strawberries and ice cream and had some cuddles and talked and it was really nice. It sounds pathetic but it’s the small things that mean the most. I love the fact that ย S can just come round and he gets on with my family and it is relaxed and I don’t have to be on edge (like I was with the ex and my family).

And as you can see from the picture at the top of this post, I am now in possession of a new elephant (or more accurately – a mammoth!) S brought me it from work to cheer me up (as he knows how much I love elephants!) It is a little fluffy cuddly toy mammoth and I think he’s really cute! Only problem now is that I can’t think of a name (but I’ve decided it is a him), so feel free to give any name suggestions! ๐Ÿ™‚

While we were cuddling and talking I said “Maybe you do actually love me”, because I’m finally starting to think maybe it’s true. Maybe not everyone will be like the ex, and maybe I’m not unlovable – maybe it wasn’t even my fault.ย And he laughed and said “At least it’s a maybe now.” I know it’s stupid that I am so scared of getting hurt and that I really find it so hard to believe that anyone could love and care about ME, but these are thoughts which have been programmed into my mind for a long time – with the ex, and even before that with the teasing/bullying (?)

I am feeling more determined than ever that I am going to get through this stuff, and I am not going to let the ex win or ruin any more of my life. I can and I will get through these problems. I can and I will succeed and be happy. I know I need to deal with the anger I still feel about everything that happened, but maybe I can use it positively, and use it as motivation and incentive to keep going and stay determined. I can and I will.**

I am so happy being with S, he makes me feel safe and loved and happy. And I love him, I really do and our relationship is so much better (now that I’ve finally allowed myself to feel that way instead of being too scared to get close.) I think my depression/anxiety/general craziness* definitely does affect our relationship but he copes pretty well, and he is very understanding and helping me get through my issues.

Time for bed now, but tonight I am going to bed feeling happy and safe, instead of anxious and scared and paranoid (like last night).

Good night,
Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

P.S. Here is another picture of my (nameless) mammoth!

Mammoth toy

* I hope this doesn’t offend anyone – here I am referring to my irrational thoughts and behaviours, which could definitely be called crazy rather than the mental health side of things.

** This is one of the mantras from my list, and this one often comes to mind. When I’m feeling low or like I can’t do something, I think to myself ‘I can and I will’ and I feel more in control, more determined and more positive.

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11 thoughts on “Mammoth

  1. Anya says:

    Cute mammoth! ๐Ÿ™‚ Glad to hear you had a better day today and S cheered you up some. Maybe the physical stuff is you getting ‘run down’ and you need to take care of yourself more? IDK, just a thought. I always get to feeling poorly when I have been stressed and neglecting myself.

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks Anya ๐Ÿ™‚ I think you could be right there, although I think a lot of the physical stuff is that I am tired because of moving back and starting back at work so quickly! I will try to take better care of myself ๐Ÿ™‚ xx

      • Anya says:

        Aw, glad to hear you’re going to try to take better care of yourself! ๐Ÿ™‚ That’s important you know ๐Ÿ˜€ I am not always so good at it myself though…

  2. bpshielsy says:

    Mal the mammoth, Malfoy the mammoth (if you like potter & co), tusk the mammoth ummm I’ve ran out ๐Ÿ™‚

    I do like the irony of the mammoth being tiny!

  3. dudahangulena says:

    hehe, mammoth looks like ร–dรถn to me ๐Ÿ™‚ really cute! S is a super guy, glad he is so understanding and you can talk to him.Cuddley time is what I miss so much, I’m a bit envious you have it… it gives so much to one’s life!

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