Trust

I’m really at a loss on what to do. My trust (or lack of it) is really becoming an issue. I just don’t trust S, even though he’s never done anything to make me not trust him.. he is kind and treats me well, we talk all the time, he doesn’t do anything wrong.

But I don’t trust him. I think it’s because of the ex (like most of my issues.) He treated me like crap, found someone else and left me. He lied to me, he hurt me, he made it impossible to trust. And now I don’t really trust anyone, and S gets the brunt of this.

I am constantly waiting for something to go wrong. He will get bored of me, or he will find someone else, or he’ll cheat on me or get fed up of dealing with this craziness… I am waiting for him to do something to prove me right – that I really am unlovable, that I don’t deserve anyone, that no one really cares and he doesn’t love me. 

And I know it’s insane. I know it’s paranoia and it’s completely irrational. But I just can’t stop. I don’t know how. And it’s pushing him away. The more I act like this, the more likely he is to do one of these things. If I’m constantly expecting him to mess up, maybe he will. Or maybe he’ll get annoyed. I know he finds it annoying that I am so paranoid, and it hurts him that I don’t trust him. 

And when I’m with him it’s the safest thing ever, but when we’re not together my mind just goes crazy. My overactive imagination goes into overdrive. I’m over-analysing everything he says and does. And I’m just waiting for something bad to happen. Because that’s what I deserve.

This relationship is so different to the one with the ex. It’s not all about sex. It’s not all about being controlled and lied to. It is safe and there is nothing wrong. But because of HIM, I don’t trust S. I just can’t. 

I really would appreciate any advice on this one. It’s taking a toll on me and the relationship. I’m so terrified of losing S and I want to stop pushing him away. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just can’t switch this off. 

He mentioned going away on a climbing trip with a friend (as an example), a female friend. And would it bother me? Yes, yes it would. I’d be going out of my mind thinking something was going on with them. And I know this is really controlling and paranoid behaviour but I just can’t stop thinking about him being with someone else.

I need to get through this issue and I don’t know how. S has always been very patient with me about all of this, but it’s wearing him out, I can tell. He can’t keep on putting up with this, and it’s driving me mad. I don’t have the energy to keep this up. I want to trust him, and I know that he loves me, I just don’t think I deserve these good things, so I’m expecting them to go wrong.

I feel sick and I’m completely on edge. It’s nearly 1:30am and I should be asleep. I want to speak to S but it’s the middle of the night and I can’t imagine he would be too pleased with a phone call now. I just want this all to stop. I’m in such a state. It makes me feel so low and I’m just so scared.

Sometimes I think I should just end it with S (before he leaves me) because I can’t deal with this. I feel like I don’t have any control, I’d never know if he had cheated on me or if he lies to me. As many times as he tells me he never would, and as many times I make him promise he would tell me if he ever did cheat, I still don’t trust him. I just don’t trust people.

I just want to be happy. 

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9 thoughts on “Trust

  1. jiltaroo says:

    Oh Ellie, this is a difficult place to be and I have been there before. Your ex must have been a rite bastard!! I’m not sure how to help you here except to suggest counseling to help you get over the damage that has been done to your trust. Is that a possibility? I don’t know that circumstances of the climbing trip, but I do think you’re not alone feeling jealous about that. I’m not sure if I would feel that comfortable either.Do you know the girl and understand the relationship they have? You need to let him know how you honestly feel. I don’t know if this will have helped, or made you feel worse. Jen

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks for your comment Jen, I am not sure about counselling as I am moving to Germany in september for my year abroad so I don’t think there is really enough time, but maybe after my year abroad it might be helpful. At the moment the climbing trip was a theoretical idea as S climbs with lots of different people (male and female) and as he works shift work it is difficult for them to have time off at the same time, which is why it might be just 2 of them going on trips. I haven’t met many of his climbing friends so maybe that’s also why I’m worried. I have talked to him about it and I am trying to be honest and build trust. I guess we will just have to see what happens in the future. Thanks for your comment – it was helpful 🙂 xxx

  2. behindthemaskofabuse says:

    This is definitely from the abuse you endured. It’s not something you can just get over. Can you find a therapist where you are living for the summer. This is big and deep…Can you find a therapist, who does somaic experiencing or EMDR?

    • anxiouselephant says:

      I think you’re right it’s definitely mostly about things with the ex. I am not sure about therapy this summer as I am going to Germany in September, and usually waiting lists are quite long (and I can’t really afford to go private), I will see how things go and hopefully in time I will be able to get through this and see that S is not like the ex. Thanks for your advice, I will have a look into it but like I said it is difficult on such a short time frame xxx

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