The end

It’s done, finished, over.
Today was the end of CBT for me.
It wasn’t a proper session, just a concluding one – questionnaires about the service, reassurance that if I need to come back after my year abroad I can.
Looking at a scale from 0 to 100, where 0 was the worst I felt, where am I now? And where is recovery?
No one feels good all the time so 100 is not recovery, It’s perfection (which doesn’t exist). We settled on 75 as acceptable – as recovery.
And where am I now? It’s hard to say because my mood varies a lot. I think I’m somewhere around 50ish, maybe up to 60 at times. But when I feel low it goes down a lot, not to 0 though, so its still not as bad as it was.
So take 55, and 75 is “recovered”… It’s not that far away.

I know I still have a long way to go and a lot of things to deal with along the way, but I’ve certainly made progress.
The fact that I’ve started some mindfulness shows improvement – mindfulness is not generally used for people who are severely depressed because it involves thinking about the negative thoughts, and would not be easy when someone is that low.
I still have my downs (and ups) but It’s better than a constant down.

Now I feel strange. CBT is done, over. It’s just me fighting my battles now, A has done her bit. I guess I was hoping by the end I would be magically better (100) but it didn’t happen because it doesn’t exist.

I feel kind of empty. Scared, and alone. Now what do I do? What if…

I can’t believe this was the last session, now it’s time to cope on my own.

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4 thoughts on “The end

  1. Grace says:

    I’m sure you’ll be fine if you keep applying everything you’ve learned. No what ifs! 😉 Wait and see. If I ever see a what if on your blog again I’m going to scream and you’ll hear me wherever you are 😛 😉 xx

  2. Michelle says:

    I felt similarly when I finished CBT group therapy for social anxiety: “Well, what now…?” (oddly enough, also how I feel whenever I finish a series of books or television shows!).
    Might it help if you sort of track your on-going coping and CBT-strategies on your blog? With your followers “holding you accountable”, perhaps you’d feel extra motivated to do well and less alone.

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