So many tears

Warning: This post makes little or no sense, it’s just me streaming my thoughts into typing, to try and let it out and make sense of it. (Afterwards: And it still doesn’t make sense.)

The last couples of weeks I have been so emotional. In fact it’s getting on for a month now… Before that things seemed to be improving a lot but these days I just seem to be on the edge of tears constantly.

I’m crying because I’m scared, I’m sad, I’m worried… you name it, I’ll cry about it.

I know it must be difficult for S to deal with. I can tell I’m being insecure, irrational, and I’m overreacting a lot, but I can’t seem to stop it. One little thing and I’m off again, wailing like a child.

I’ve always been a “cry baby”. I always remember being that kid at school that cries about everything. I don’t know why, just really over-sensitive?

I wish I could turn all of my emotions down. They are all too extreme. Especially the sad/crying emotions. It makes me angry that I am so pathetic, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop crying?

And the more I cry, the more I worry that I’m being difficult, and the more I worry that S is going to get bored of this and leave me. And then I’m scared and ridiculously insecure so I end up being really clingy and then he will get a bit annoyed and I’ll cry (again). He must have the tolerance of a saint to put up with me. I am constantly twisting everything he says and taking things the wrong way – always in the most negative way possible. I am always seeing the worst in myself and blaming myself for everything and I know it must be tiring to have to constantly reassure someone that you’re not going to leave them. If anything, me going on like this probably makes him more likely to leave me…

I’m stuck in a rut and I’m not sure how to get myself out of this one. It’s very difficult to carry on as normal when I’m this emotional. I just want to hide in bed all the time (which is not acceptable.)

At least tomorrow I can have a bit of a lie in. And I have CBT in the afternoon so I can speak to A about this.

I just need to calm down and get a decent night’s sleep and maybe things will look better in the morning? So sick of being constantly on edge and worrying about everything. And all this crying has made me dehydrated so hello migraine (again). It’s all just going round in circles and I know I’m not helping myself. I feel like I have no control and I’m not sure how to fix all of this.

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

P.S. Forgot to mention… it probably doesn’t help that today is the 13th June. If the ex and I were still together we would have been together for 5 years. And even though we split up over 2 years ago, that thought fills me with dread. Instead of being glad I’m away from him, I torment myself with questions of why I stayed with him, and images of what if he hadn’t left me… I’d probably still be with him being used and abused. (I know this shouldn’t matter, but maybe it still does. But just to clarify – not in a “I-want-him-back” kind of way, not at all!!)

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7 thoughts on “So many tears

  1. behindthemaskofabuse says:

    Change is a big trigger with PTSD, you are facing a lot of change right now, and uncertainty, do you think that could be part of it? You are not pathetic! You have an illness. It’s okay to cry. You know actually it’s healthier, than going numb. I know how frustrating it can be though now knowing why you’re upset. Do any of the breathing techniques, or CBT things you’ve learned help? Are you using them?

    Have you heard of square breathing?(Good for anxiety/panic) My Hubby was taught it, and he taught me, it helps a lot.

    breath in slowly for 3-4 seconds, hold for 3-4 seconds, breath out slowly for 3-4 seconds. Then normal for 3-4…repeat as needed.
    It helps slow down your heart rate and blood pressure. It got me through doc and dentists appts. without meds!

    Take one moment at a time, and be kind to you. There is a such thing as a trauma migraine, I’ve learned. If you need to rest, rest!

    Lots of love xo

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks Zoe, I think the change and uncertainty is part of it because moving to a different country is a pretty big change! I am trying to look at things in a more rational way and focus on breathing to calm down. The migraine has gone now, and I’m feeling a little bit better today. Thanks for the new breathing technique, I haven’t heard of it before but it makes sense how it could help 🙂 Thanks for your lovely words of support xxx

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