Self destruct

I seem to have hit the self-destruct button recently. I don’t know why, I don’t know what’s wrong.

It’s like I’m trying to argue, I’m trying to get him to “prove” me right, that I’m not good enough, that I’m unlovable.

I know I am so lucky to have someone who is always there for me and isn’t scared away with my crazy irrational behaviour.

I’m on the train at the moment, will be into London in about 40 minutes. And I don’t really know what I’m feeling right now. I want to see him and at the same time I don’t. I want to tell him to leave me alone and find someone else, and at the same time I want him to hold me and love me.

Such is my fear of being abandoned/left that I am (again) thinking of running away from it. Maybe so I can be in control? Who knows what goes on in this bonkers brain of mine!

I don’t want us to split up, life would be incredibly rubbish without S. But I’m so scared and It’s making me strange. Hopefully it’ll feel better when I see him.

Hope everyone is having a lovely sunny Thursday!

Lots of love,
Ellie xxx

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14 thoughts on “Self destruct

  1. WeeGee says:

    I have a self sabotage button too and know how hard it is not to press it. Please try to believe that you are a beautiful person who very much deserves to be loved and happy. I think your brain is looking to the past instead of the future xoxo

  2. WeeGee says:

    I have a self sabotage button too and know how hard it is not to press it. Please try to believe that you are a beautiful person who very much deserves to be loved and happy. I think your brain is looking to the past instead of the future xoxo

  3. Louise says:

    Take a deep breath. Try and think mindfully. Try and observe your emotions without judging yourself (I know its hard). You can feel your anxiety, and all of your other feelings, but you don’t have to act on them. Just try and sit with them, watch them. Try and catch some of your thoughts if you can. Huge hugs xxx

  4. behindthemaskofabuse says:

    I understand that feeling all to well. It’s the unknown. You’re not used to being treated well, and you can’t trust it, and the ex has you convinced you don’t deserve it. I’m sorry it’s so hard xo

  5. aimeecatherine says:

    It’s hard doing relationships …… There are loads of books for partners of people with illnesses to help them understand how to help and cope with the condition the self. May be worth looking not some to help him with coping techniques

  6. MentalShep says:

    Aw I properly feel you in this post. I do the same things! :/
    Sometimes I think I push people away because I am so scared of abandonment, so if they do abandon me, I had some control over it.
    Although other times I think I am a commitment phobe and afraid of abandonment at exactly the same time.

    Reminding myself to live in the moment is key.
    I hate looking back on relationships or my life, thinking that I spent most of my happy times, entirely anxious and worried things were going to go wrong rather than enjoying the happy times and just letting them be.

    x

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