I seem to have hit the self-destruct button recently. I don’t know why, I don’t know what’s wrong.
It’s like I’m trying to argue, I’m trying to get him to “prove” me right, that I’m not good enough, that I’m unlovable.
I know I am so lucky to have someone who is always there for me and isn’t scared away with my
crazy irrational behaviour.
I’m on the train at the moment, will be into London in about 40 minutes. And I don’t really know what I’m feeling right now. I want to see him and at the same time I don’t. I want to tell him to leave me alone and find someone else, and at the same time I want him to hold me and love me.
Such is my fear of being abandoned/left that I am (again) thinking of running away from it. Maybe so I can be in control? Who knows what goes on in this bonkers brain of mine!
I don’t want us to split up, life would be incredibly rubbish without S. But I’m so scared and It’s making me strange. Hopefully it’ll feel better when I see him.
Hope everyone is having a lovely sunny Thursday!
Lots of love,