The ugly duckling

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In the story of the ugly duckling, there is a duckling that is bigger than the others, and is grey. They call him the ugly duckling and he is bullied for being different. Then he grows up into a swan and becomes the most beautiful, and it turns out he was a sygnet (baby swan) and not a duckling after all. And the moral of the story is that we shouldn’t judge people on their appearance, and that people can change, and maybe we can stretch it to the message that you should believe in yourself (because the sygnet doesn’t believe in himself but in the end is he accepted by the other swans and not bullied anymore).

I am now going to continue my post on a completely unrelated topic, but look how cute these sygnets are that I saw yesterday!! Just wanted to stroke them, they look so fluffy!

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I saw this family of swans and sygnets on the canal in Lancaster yesterday on my way back from my trip to Manchester, so I thought I’d share them here (since they are so cute!)

Yesterday footballer, another friend and I ventured to the shopping streets of Manchester! I’ve never been to Manchester before, and we fancied a post-exam shopping spree! Being a Saturday, naturally it was quite busy, but it didn’t bother me too much and in general my anxiety stayed under control.

I probably spent too much money, and bought things I didn’t really need, but I had a bit of birthday money so it would be rude not to spend it really! 😛

We did a lot of walking, so I’m counting that as exercise, and with shopping, the more you buy, the better exercise it is! (Heavy bags = more exercise) I think that’s perfect logic, and a brilliant excuse for shopping!

It was a beautiful sunny day so it was kind of a shame to be inside, but at the times we were outside it was really nice. And I am happy to say that the nice sunny weather has continued today. As I’m writing this, it’s still bright sunshine and I can hear the birds outside tweeting.

After we got back to Lancaster, (but not before a cheeky stop at Tesco for snacks) we sat down to watch Bridget Jones’ Diary, which is always a classic! Got to love a good rom-com, that’s what I always say!

Yesterday evening when I was talking to S, he was jokingly saying that he’s going to see our friend Sheep a lot and cuddle with her, and as usual my paranoid brain kicked in and I got upset about it. Even though I knew he was joking. Even though I know neither of them would do anything to hurt me. Even though I know he wants to be with me. But then it started a spiral of worry and panic.

S is naturally a flirtatious person, and that is just what he is like, and I know he doesn’t mean anything by it. But once I get something into my head, that’s it. I started thinking that he clearly would rather be with someone else, and saying that he flirts with other people more than he flirts with me. Basically being a crazy paranoid stupid girlfriend.

And then I realised that it was stupid, but because I was in this thought pattern, I then started thinking he’s going to leave me because I’m so much effort, and because I’m so paranoid, and because I’m not good enough for him anyway. And then the apologising started, I’m sorry I’m so paranoid, I’m sorry I’m so hard to deal with, I’m sorry I’m scared of getting hurt. Please don’t hate me…

And then he said stop apologising. I always say sorry about a million times a day for stuff that I shouldn’t even be sorry about. I can see why that would be annoying, but I can’t help it. I’m used to walking on eggshells, and every word out of my mouth being “sorry”.

But he said I love you, I’m not going to break up with you and I’m not going to hurt you.

Which should be reassuring enough right? But my brain just doesn’t work like that. I feel that I’m not good enough for him (or anyone), and I am so scared of being abandoned* and left on my own again. And after what happened with the ex, I am paranoid about being left for someone else.

We talked after this and everything is fine, but I can’t seem to get these thoughts out of my head. I can’t understand why or how anyone could love me, or why he would want to be with me. I constantly expect to be hurt or used, and I still can’t get to grips with this whole having-a-boyfriend-that-doesn’t-treat-me-like-crap thing.

It’s been nearly a year and a half since S and I first got together, and I’m still paranoid. I know it annoys him, and it probably upsets him but I really don’t know how to change it. The way I see it, I’m just a burden and I don’t deserve anyone’s love.

This post started off as a positive post, just about my trip to Manchester and the swans, and somehow it turned into a rant about not being good enough. I know this is something I need to work on, but it’s difficult to expect other people to respect you when you don’t even respect yourself.

I’m just so scared that eventually all of this paranoia and fear of being left is going to get too much and then he is actually going to leave because he won’t be able to put up with it (me) anymore.

Through writing this post I’ve actually realised that this is a deeper and bigger problem than I realised. Probably something to talk to A about tomorrow.

Anyway, I hope everyone else has had a nice sunny weekend too!

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

*maybe that’s a bit overdramatic

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5 thoughts on “The ugly duckling

  1. Jasmine says:

    They are the cutest! I have a link to something about ducklings that I’ll have to post because it’s priceless.
    If I’m honest, I think perhaps S should know better than to joke about those things knowing that it might make you paranoid. Even though he is only messing around and loves you and only you, he must know how you would react internally to that. Then again men are a bit slow sometimes! Hope you work stuff through with your therapist xx
    Ps I went shopping today too and now have an outfit for my friend’s wedding, yay 🙂

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