Crying again

I’m so emotional at the moment. I seem to cry at everything. Happy or sad. All of the emotions are just very strong at the moment.

Ever since the night before my birthday, finding out that the ex is having a baby with his new girlfriend, I’ve been really unsettled.

And then there was more revision and an exam to do, my concentration was terrible again and I felt like a lot of the progress had just disappeared.

This week’s CBT was really hard and involved a lot of crying.

And then today I don’t know why but I got so upset. I started thinking I don’t want to go to Germany, that I can’t do it, that I’m not good enough. How am I going to stand up in front of a class and teach when I can’t talk in front of people, and my German is terrible. I’m just so worried.

I’m really doubting myself again at the moment and hating myself (again). I am getting paranoid about S leaving me, even though I have no reason to. I’m questioning everything and I just don’t feel strong enough to deal with everything that’s going on. I would quite like to hibernate for a while until I feel strong again, but life doesn’t have time for that.

It’s horrible when things have been so much better recently and then things feel worse again.

Well at least tomorrow should be a good day. I am going to Manchester to shop with footballer and another friend. I am feeling a bit anxious though, because it will probably be busy. And there’s a load of upset in the house because of next year’s housing situation which got all complicated so I hope that won’t ruin the day. Footballer thinks she doesn’t have any friends here and no one cares about her but that’s just not true. I wish she could see that. (Yes, I know… massive hypocrite!)

But to end this post on a happier note, I would like to show you the most recent thing to make me cry. And yes, I’ll admit that I’m pathetic crying at Britain’s got talent, but for some reason I found this video very moving! (If you watch to the end you might see what I mean!)

I’m quite interested to see what they are going to do tomorrow in the semi-final!

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18 thoughts on “Crying again

  1. Lottie says:

    Sorry you feel so emotional, and the tears are there (((hugs))), I won’t watch the video because even thought I’m not depressed I cried at tonights Corrie, so best leave any “tear” inducing videos for now ;-P Hope tomorrow is not to over whelming and it goes ok, and is even enjoyable
    Much love x

  2. behindthemaskofabuse says:

    Maybe all the tears and sadness right now are good. You’re dealing with another layer of pain, and that will make you feel very raw, vulnerable and emotional. It’s good that you’re feeling and not numb. It will ease up. Don’t worry about Germany today, it’s not happening today and you have enough with today’s pain to deal with. Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling this way, it’s okay. Sending love and support xo

  3. Grace says:

    I’m sure you’ll be doing okay in Germany. What are you going to teach? No one will bite your head off. I often think that but I’ve been here for 23 years and it hasn’t happened yet 😉
    I’ve cried so often at stuff on Britain’s got talent… I’m glad I’m not alone with this 😉
    Safe hugs xoxo

    • anxiouselephant says:

      I’m teaching English so it doesn’t actually require me to speak German (to the children) but I’m really worried about speaking German generally! I think I’m going to spend my summer reading German books and watching German films and hope that that helps!! It can be very emotional! 😛 xxx

  4. Bourbon says:

    Self doubt is so strong, but, you are not giving up. Because that is the person you are. You will be okay. xx

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