Today’s CBT was difficult. Really difficult. I’m going to write another post about the difficult bit (probably will use a password again for that post.) I cried for literally nearly the whole hour. I think we ran over a bit too, too much crying (oops).
My homework for next week (Monday!) is to do some “experiments” on myself. I have to consciously aim to give something 75 or 80% (instead of 100%) and see what happens. What I expect I will feel, and then what I actually feel afterwards.
But I couldn’t understand the concept really. She said about giving 75%, and I was confused. I said, I don’t get it… why would anyone ever not try their best? What’s the point in doing something if it’s not to the best of your ability? Surely you should always aim to get as close to 100% as possible? I think I was missing the point entirely. She just wants me to try it, to prove that the world isn’t going to end, that it doesn’t make me a failure.
Well, I’ll give it a go anyway.
And then I went climbing after my CBT session. Today was quite a nice day, so I had a nice walk through the park and down to the bus stop to get the bus to uni (where the climbing wall is).
I met my climbing partner (owl) there and we went bouldering for a bit. My hands are falling to pieces, literally. S says it’s because I have soft hands so they get damaged easily. I ended up with a painful bit of skin peeling off one hand (sorry for too much info!) and had to put a plaster on it. I’m hoping in time my hands will become more resistant, because at the moment everytime I climb I end up tearing my hands to shreds! My head of year for Psychology was there (climbing too) and he helped me with one of the routes I had been stuck on for a while, so that was good.
And then we put our harnesses on and started roped climbing. We decided to do an easyish route to start with, but I was really struggling. I felt really weak and quite anxious. I managed to do it though, and then Owl climbed the same route (in less than half the time!)
Then we moved onto another one that was a bit harder. I’ve done it before so I know I can physically do it. But half way up I just started feeling really funny. Really anxious and shaky and emotional. And keeping my CBT in mind, I asked to come down. I didn’t push myself to finish it because I was feeling weird. Maybe if I had given it 100% I could’ve finished it anyway, but today I didn’t, and giving it 75%, I couldn’t do it today. I needed to get down.
I think climbing straight after CBT was definitely a mistake and I won’t do it again in future. Especially with today’s session being really emotional, I think it was all too much. I didn’t have the mental capacity to concentrate and push myself on climbing, and it had brought the anxiety levels up so I didn’t trust myself to try moves I probably could have done (on the bouldering) and couldn’t get myself to climb routes that I’ve done before.
So maybe even though I could consider today’s climbing as a bit of a failure, it was actually a good thing. I let myself off instead of pushing myself too hard. And this evening I went out for dinner with friends and then watched TV with housemates and it was nice. I had a good evening and I enjoyed myself, and it doesn’t matter that I didn’t climb much today because I don’t need to get everything right 100% of the time… how’s that for progress A? 😛
And now it’s very late, so definitely time for some sleep!
Lots of love,