This week’s CBT was on Monday. I filled in that horrible depression questionnaire (as I do before every session) and I realised how different it looked to when I started. A few months ago, every question would be answered with a 3 (nearly everyday) but now there are some 1s, some 2s and some 3s. It’s slow progress, but still progress and that’s what matters.
We discussed my exams and how they have gone. Some went ok, one went terribly and one went quite well. And I told her that I have accepted that I probably won’t get a 1st this year. And that’s ok**. I’m starting to look at things a little bit more rationally, and a little bit more “normally” but there’s still quite a way to go.
I told A that the ex and his new girlfriend are having a baby. We talked about it. About why it bothers me, about why it hurts and the thoughts it has brought up. I have to do some homework for my next session. I have to write a letter***. It’s going to be hard but it needs to be done.
I’m worried that I’m going to run out of sessions before everything is sorted in my head. And then what? Once I leave Lancaster for the summer that’s it. No more A, no more CBT, no more help. Once I go to Germany… who knows what happens if things go downhill again.
We sorted out my sessions for the rest of the term. It’s scary how little time there is left.
I don’t know what I’m going to do once the CBT finishes. There’s no point in thinking about that yet… but it is going to happen (and it’s going to happen quite soon!)
After my CBT session I went for a walk in the park with S. It was nice and sunny (for a change) and I really like that park. It’s probably one of my favourite places in Lancaster (or maybe anywhere?)
I feel like there was something else that I was going to write about, but I can’t remember now… That’s irritating.
* I have lost count of weeks, and I think I might not have written about some sessions… oh I don’t know!
**Kind of… The perfectionist side of my brain disagrees but I’m trying to be RATIONAL here!
***I will write about it/maybe even put the letter on here, but
probably with a password.