S left today, I waved and watched his train pull away, heading back to London.
I miss him already.
It’s sad but it’s true. That’s the problem with long distance relationships. I don’t see him for ages, and then I see him 24/7 for a few days, and then he’s gone again. There is no normal because it’s all or nothing. Of course I talk to him a lot and I am glad I’m with him but sometimes it’s so hard.
Especially after finding out about the ex on Thursday night. It opened up a whole new can of worms… the self-doubt, not feeling good enough, the shame, the guilt, the whys and what-ifs…
And I cried a lot while he was here. I got scared easily. I always do.
And then the spiders in the night. (See my previous post!)
So much anxiety. So much self-doubt. Self consciousness. Fear. Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me.
And now he’s gone again. And I’m scared. I don’t know why, I don’t know how to make this stop.
We had such a nice few days together. Walks in the park, along the canal. We went climbing together and I managed to do the hardest route I’ve ever done. We went for a lovely meal and on my birthday we went out for drinks with lots of my friends. It was lovely and perfect and I wish it didn’t have to end.
I guess I realised this weekend how much I hate being away from him, how hard it is, how much I care.
And now I’m panicking.
I don’t even know what’s wrong.
I can hear all the criticisms in my mind: you’re pathetic, he only left today and you’re crying. How are you going to survive being in Germany when he’s still in England? You are weak, useless. He is going to leave you when he realises what you’re really like. No one could really love you.
I am going to try using my safe space and grounding techniques to calm me down before bed. Tomorrow I’ll write about this week’s CBT.
I’ll be ok.
Lots of love,