Quiet and alone

For the first time since I got back to uni after easter, tonight I am alone in the house. Mr Map and Shopaholic have both gone home (they’ve already finished exams!) and Footballer is out with her boyfriend. She did invite me but I didn’t fancy being the 5th wheel (they are meeting up with another couple) and I kind of wanted a quiet night in.

I planned to revise statistics. I’ve done a little bit, not a lot. I’ve caught up on blogs and done some thinking. It seems so quiet being alone… That sounds so obvious but I mean quiet in terms of feelings too.

I feel kind of dull but emotional at the same time. A video I saw on someone else’s blog brought me to tears earlier, and it’s not even a sad video – more happy! And earlier today I was waiting for S to call on his break at work and I missed it (my phone was on silent since the exam) and I just burst into tears. The emotions are close to the surface, or the tears are at least. I feel kind of empty, dull… like everything isn’t real.

I’m going to get an early night because I have to hit the stats revision hard tomorrow. It’s odd when you spend hours cramming all of this information into your brain, try to recall it in a logical manner for 2 and a half hours (in the exam) and then try to forget it so you can learn the next lot. That’s the problem with exams, they don’t really test your understanding, it’s more about your memory. Except the essay, but then you need extra reading, and you’ve got to remember that so it’s still memory.

This has turned into quite a ramble, but I think it’s time for bed now. 

This time next week it will be my birthday and S will be here. That is what is getting me through this week, this revision, these exams. I can’t believe how much I miss him, just want him to hold me so I can feel safe. That’s what I was going to write a post on earlier, a list of things to look forward to, there are a lot – some a few days away, others months or years, maybe tomorrow I’ll write it – something to read over when things feel bad. 

It’s kind of peaceful, maybe this was what I needed tonight.

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

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