Guilt

I always feel guilty that I get extra time in exams.

I’ve only started getting the extra time this year (probably could’ve had it last year if I asked) but I feel like I’m cheating because I get 25% extra time on every exam.

I feel like I’m at an advantage and that’s not fair on other people. Today’s exam should’ve been 2 hours but I get 2 and a half. 

I know I’m allowed it. I know I probably needed it earlier in the year, when I was feeling really really low, but now I’m feeling a bit better (most of the time) I feel like I should no longer be entitled to the time.

The thing is, I needed it. Today I used 2 hours 25 minutes, and I was nowhere near done at 2 hours.

I wish I could stop feeling guilty because logically I know I wouldn’t have the extra time if I wasn’t entitled to it. And I definitely think people with depression and anxiety should be allowed extra time.

I guess I’m questioning whether I’m “depressed enough” anymore. 

But then I guess the part of me who questions that doesn’t remember that I spent the first 20 minutes of the exam staring out of the window trying to calm my racing thoughts and anxiety. And that I still get sad/cry a lot more than a “normal” person.

It’s like when things feel better I can’t remember (or maybe block out?) the bad times, and when I feel bad, I can’t remember the good things.

So ist das Leben!

(That’s life!)

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10 thoughts on “Guilt

  1. My Mental Stream says:

    It is given to you so use it. It is not an advantage over everyone else, it is just you are fortunate to have extra, but not so because you have a disadvantage at the same time. All balanced out. Good luck for the rest!! xxx

  2. Bourbon says:

    It doesn’t give you an advantage… it keeps you at an equal level with those who aren’t sitting and staring out a window for 20 minutes trying to calm the anxiety. I know you know this, I know it doesn’t take away the guilt but, you know, (((hugs))) xx

  3. theglitteringdarkbird says:

    I completely understand this. As soon as I start to feel better, I question whether I have ever been ‘really’ depressed, or depressed enough (I’ve been blogging about it recently). It’s not just you – lots of us do similar things, and you are not alone, if that helps. x

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