There’s no magic wand

I knew that before. But I guess I was still hoping…

Today was my appointment with the psychiatrist that I have been waiting for for quite a while. 

I managed to get lost on the way, but found the place eventually, and even arrived on time.

We sat and talked for about an hour. He asked questions. I answered them. I cried. I cried more. 

He increased the dosage of my medication. I cried even more.

He said “There’s nothing you’ve told me that we can’t help you with” and then explained his “plan”. But I couldn’t stop crying.

He wants me to try a higher dosage for a month. If that doesn’t help, he wants me to try another antidepressant. And if that doesn’t work then he will try combining an antidepressant with an antipsychotic, which apparently can also be prescribed for depression/anxiety and can help with flash backs. He also said that after I finish my CBT, there might be other talking therapies to try.

So there are ways forward. So I should be happy? Relieved? 

I’m not. I am sad. Sad that there is nothing they can do that will help me NOW. Sad that getting better is months or years away. And sad that there wasn’t something blindingly obvious that we had missed, like another diagnosis which could be treated easily and would suddenly mean I’d get better.

I know there’s no such thing. I know it’s a long journey. I know people spend years and years fighting depression. But I want to feel better now. I could deal with ok, I don’t even need happy. I just want to be able to finish my degree, but I can’t keep going forever the way things are at the moment. 

I should be feeling more hopeful – there are things that can still be done. But instead I feel disappointed and let down. I don’t know what I was hoping for, but not this.

I just can’t stop crying.

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a magic cure?

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25 thoughts on “There’s no magic wand

  1. Red says:

    Sending hugs, I am glad you went and I am glad he was honest with you. At least you now know there is hope out there a bit farther away that you would like but it is still there. xxx

  2. Anya says:

    Hugs! I am sorry you’ve been let down but it’s good your psychiatrist was honest with you. Depression and trauma take time and are usually not cured in short periods of time, unfortunately. I went through university depressed, anxious and suicidal but still graduated. My GPA wasn’t great because I was too ashamed to ask for extensions and accommodations. It’s a miracle I got a B- as my cumulative grade after my 5 years doing a 4 year degree. But like I said, I was foolish, stubborn and fearful of asking for support. You are doing great-much better than me considering you aren’t as stubborn or silly as I was.

  3. Bourbon says:

    There is no magic cure but there are little things that keep us going; tiny little segments of ‘peace’ in all the chaos. Hang onto them and your friends here and we will get you through in no time. love xxx

  4. Jasmine says:

    I’m sorry 😦 I think perhaps you were hoping for a more concrete ‘diagnosis’ so that you could move forward from there, rather than simply trying different cocktails of medications. Don’t stop pushing for one, though. You have the right to ask, “What do you think it sounds like?” And you have the right to a second, third, fourth (etc) opinion. It took me a year, three doctors, two therapists and two psychiatrists to arrive at a diagnosis and although I am not currently receiving treatment I still feel (mostly) more validated since that point. Don’t give up xx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Yeah maybe that’s it. I did ask if it’s normal to have these mood swings as part of depression and he said it’s not uncommon, so maybe it just means the diagnoses I already have are right. I just wanted a change that would start showing progress I guess, but we’ll see what the higher dosage is like. Thanks for your support 🙂 xx

      • Jasmine says:

        What about the talking therapies? I know you have CBT but that’s a very specific kind of therapy, and you might find it helpful to also have something that’s more about getting things off your chest and figuring things out with someone to guide/reassure you? That way you aren’t solely relying on anti-depressants to suddenly start working xx

      • anxiouselephant says:

        Well even though it’s called CBT, I kind of think we do look at stuff like that too. We always talk about what’s happened that week, and whatever is going on, and at some point we are going to look at the trauma stuff too, rather than focusing just on the cognition/feeling/behaviour aspects of it. But I think it’s definitely good to have someone to talk to, thanks 🙂 xx

  5. Juliet says:

    I can understand that you feel disappointed. I think I would feel the same… it’s always just throwing medication at people and talking… it’s annoying that there isn’t any other way to fix things up. Did he say anything about PTSD? I mean… did he diagnose you? xx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Yeah it is disappointing, and it makes me feel like it’s all pointless and it’s never going to get better… But I guess I just have to keep trying! He didn’t actually mention anything – PTSD, depression or anxiety. He didn’t say “you have …” I wish I had asked now, but at the time all of the questions escaped my mind and I couldn’t think of anything to ask! 😦 I will ask the GP next time I see her though, the psychiatrist is writing her a letter about the assessment today so I assume he might write something about it in the letter. We did talk about the flashbacks and nightmares, and he said that what’s happening is clearly in response to trauma, so I don’t know if that is alluding to PTSD. I feel like I’m still no closer to getting better 😦 xx

      • Juliet says:

        It’s never pointless to try…. 🙂
        Well,.. yes, I guess your GP will tell you then but it’s not unusual that you forgot to ask it in such a situation. I’m glad though that he took his time for you. Sounds good.
        Now you saw him and even though you think that you’re not closer to getting better I think you are. Your medication is going to be higher now and maybe this does help.
        Baby steps. I know they suck though. xoxo

  6. aimeecatherine says:

    I couldn’t not write but. Ant write much only because my mind is in the same place but I will offer a hug, an ear (or rather eyes) to talk to me and a shoulder to cry on or moan on or scream on or hit or all the above. Xxxxx

  7. Lottie says:

    Magic cures, like you I know full well there isn’t one, yet that doesn’t stop that secret hope that you’ll take a pill, complete therapy sessions and wake up “better” the very next day. I wish it would happen for you, I wish it would happen for me, and I wish it would happen for everyone else xxx

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