I knew that before. But I guess I was still hoping…
Today was my appointment with the psychiatrist that I have been waiting for for quite a while.
I managed to get lost on the way, but found the place eventually, and even arrived on time.
We sat and talked for about an hour. He asked questions. I answered them. I cried. I cried more.
He increased the dosage of my medication. I cried even more.
He said “There’s nothing you’ve told me that we can’t help you with” and then explained his “plan”. But I couldn’t stop crying.
He wants me to try a higher dosage for a month. If that doesn’t help, he wants me to try another antidepressant. And if that doesn’t work then he will try combining an antidepressant with an antipsychotic, which apparently can also be prescribed for depression/anxiety and can help with flash backs. He also said that after I finish my CBT, there might be other talking therapies to try.
So there are ways forward. So I should be happy? Relieved?
I’m not. I am sad. Sad that there is nothing they can do that will help me NOW. Sad that getting better is months or years away. And sad that there wasn’t something blindingly obvious that we had missed, like another diagnosis which could be treated easily and would suddenly mean I’d get better.
I know there’s no such thing. I know it’s a long journey. I know people spend years and years fighting depression. But I want to feel better now. I could deal with ok, I don’t even need happy. I just want to be able to finish my degree, but I can’t keep going forever the way things are at the moment.
I should be feeling more hopeful – there are things that can still be done. But instead I feel disappointed and let down. I don’t know what I was hoping for, but not this.
I just can’t stop crying.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a magic cure?