I’ve come to the conclusion that people are just shit.
Not all of them, but a large amount of them.
People just let me down. They expect me to be there for them and then just drop me. I’m always the one being walked all over. And I always just take it.They clearly don’t give a shit so why do I? And I let the same people do it over and over again.
Take the ex for example, the biggest example of someone who has walked all over me. But there’s others too.
Tonight I went out for Shopaholic’s birthday. I feel like crap. I didn’t want to go out, but I went, because I’m a decent friend and I didn’t want to let her down, because it was the right thing to do. Even though I felt like crap, even though I felt ill and tired and couldn’t think of many things worse than going to a bar with loud music and flashing lights. But I went anyway. As usual, as soon as anyone else was around, I was ignored. And then she got upset because her ex had basically told her that nothing is going to happen with them again. She asked me to come to the toilet with her, and of course I did. I told her it’s going to be ok and he’s not worth it and all the other stuff you’re meant to say. And then, on the way out of the toilets she bumped into another friend. Clearly a better friend, and was like “I’ll meet you outside” to me. Don’t worry about me, I’ll just go and wait until I’m needed again shall I?
I’m fed up of people only “caring” when they need or want something. Sadly that is what a lot of people seem to be like. And I must have the word “mug” written on my face or something, because I encounter a ridiculous number of these people. They don’t care unless there’s no one better around.
I’ve just had enough of people being like this. I am always there for other people, I always go out of my way to be nice to people and make sure they’re ok, and that things go the way they want, but do you think these people even ask if I’m ok? No, of course not. They will be your best friend one minute, then as soon as someone better comes along it’s like they don’t even know you.
I think A is right. I have a lot of anger. And eventually it’s going to come out. Eventually I am going to end up telling someone what I think of them and the way they act.
This just leads me to lots of negative thoughts – no one cares about me, I am useless, I’m obviously a crap friend, I must be boring, I’m always people’s back up, people treat me like crap because it’s what I deserve…
And then I start to question my real friends. Do they really care? Are they just too nice to tell me that they don’t like me and to go away? Are they going to leave too?
And S, is he only with me because he feels sorry for me? Or maybe (in the words of the ex) he’s “only with me until someone better comes along”.
Now I’m just paranoid and feeling very lonely. I don’t even want to talk to S now because I said earlier that I feel like I’m being really clingy and he said “a bit” so now I just want to leave him alone. I know I talk to him all the time and I always tell him I love him and I miss him but that’s because I do, and I do need constant reassurance that everything is ok. I don’t like being clingy, I’m not trying to be but I am doing it anyway. Now I feel like doing the opposite. Just not speaking to him because I don’t want to drive him away by being clingy. I didn’t mean to be annoying and clingy I’m just a mess and I really want this to work this time. I guess I was trying to be affectionate but I got it wrong. Seems like I can’t do anything right.
Time for bed, and oh look I’m crying again. Pathetic.