CBT – Week 6*

Today I went to my CBT session, and if you read my post yesterday, you’ll know I was feeling very anxious and scared about it, and really didn’t want to go. I decided to be kind to myself and got a taxi instead of walking up that massive hill for a change!

As suggested by some of you here (being the lovely and helpful people that you are!) I spoke to A about it, and told her that I had really struggled with writing down the memory, and about the flash backs, nightmares and screaming in the night.

She said we will wait a bit longer before we start the trauma work. In a way I am disappointed because I wanted to get it over with, but I am also relieved because I think it probably was too soon, and I probably wouldn’t have been able to deal with it very well at the moment. So instead we are looking at the thoughts which come with the feelings.

CBT says that thoughts cause feelings which cause behaviours, so in order to change feelings and behaviours, we have to change the thoughts. And that means starting by identifying the thoughts which cause the feelings. For example, I may think “I am useless” (thought) which will cause me to feel down (feeling), so I hide in bed (behaviour).

I need to become more aware of my thoughts so that I can start to counteract them with evidence. And realise that they are only thoughts, so they don’t have to be right.

A gave the example that even if I think about her crashing her car on the way home, it won’t cause it to happen! I said “That’s not very nice!” 

We will look at the thoughts that I identify, and test them, to see if there is evidence for them. It all sounds very scientific! 

I did some crying in my session (as usual) and A also said she thinks we need to look at the anger as well. As well as feeling upset/hurt/sad about the memories, I am also very angry. Angry at myself, angry at him, angry at anyone who didn’t do anything to help. 

Also this week I will be seeing my GP (tomorrow) and the psychiatrist (on Thursday) so it’s a very busy week for appointments! I am really hoping that the psychiatrist will be able to make the right diagnosis/es and hopefully work out the right medication for me! Although I’m pretty sure that he will say I have anxiety, depression (as previously diagnosed) and PTSD (which has been suggested but not diagnosed).

I asked A about my mood swings and tried to explain that even when I am feeling horrific, and at my lowest I normally manage to do things that I have committed to, like going to lectures, but that doesn’t mean I am ok, and it doesn’t mean I take anything in! I know that part of what they measure how bad things are on is your functioning level, but even though I appear to function, I’m really not. My memory and concentration are appalling, and I sit in lectures without listening to a word half of the time. She said that I need to make sure I tell the psychiatrist all of this, and that he will understand where I am coming from. Apparently he is very good** and is nice, so hopefully it will go ok on Thursday. I just want things to be sorted out and to start making progress.

So all in all, today was a difficult but kind of helpful session. AND afterwards I took the decision to go home and rest instead of going to class because I need to start looking after myself and stop doing things just because I “should”. 

*There was no week 5, in case you’re wondering where that went!

**Well I should hope so too!


19 thoughts on “CBT – Week 6*

  1. behindthemaskofabuse says:

    Wow Ellie I’m so very proud of you! I know that took all your strength to go and face therapy again and tell the “T” your needs and what’s going on. You are fighting. I’m also glad to hear you allowed yourself to just go home and rest after! losta love! xo

  2. Juliet says:

    Awesome! I’m glad A decided to take more time together even though you’re feeling impatient. Things just need time.
    It’s also great to hear that you took care of yourself afterwards. So very well done xx

  3. keelyellenmarie says:

    I hear you on the “I’m functioning, but that doesn’t mean I’m okay”, although I come at it from another angle, which is to say that for the longest time, I tried to argue to other people and even to my therapist that I was pathetic for needing/asking for help because if I was CAPABLE of getting on with life, I should just DO it and not spend so much time paying someone to listen to me cry about it.

    Thankfully I have had very kind therapists who want more for me than just basic “functioning”. They understand that even if I’m not failing out of school, crashing and burning at my job, or at risk of hurting myself, if I’m miserable/constantly struggling, that is still a problem–and they finally got me to believe that too.

    “Functioning” can feel like a curse sometimes. Honestly, I’ve sometimes wished I wasn’t so good at maintaining appearances while depressed, because maybe then I would have gotten the help I needed sooner. And when you CAN function, it’s too easy to feel guilty when you take time out to take care of yourself.


    • anxiouselephant says:

      Yeah, I think I used to see it that way – I’m functioning so I must be ok, but then I realised that I’m not, and need other people to realise it too. Glad you had good therapists and hope you are doing ok? Hugs back xx

      • keelyellenmarie says:

        Yea, I’m doing pretty well these days. This month marks two years out of my abusive six year relationship, and I’ve now been in therapy/on meds for several years as well. I’ve come to accept that depression and anxiety will always be a part of my life to some degree, but they don’t own me anymore. It really does get better. 🙂

  4. Chatte Nocturne says:

    I’m glad for you! When you start therapy is hard to realize you can’t deal with everything right away, it takes time and sadly patience to. You’re doing great!! (BTW, I’ve been reading your blog for a while but I haven’t introduced myself, I’m Chatte and I blog about depression and anxiety amongst other things)

  5. Jasmine says:

    Glad you made it, and that it was helpful for you. A sounds great in how flexible she is, sounds like she’s really taking your needs into account, which is so important.

    Good luck on thurs, will be thinking of you xx

  6. Bourbon says:

    Good luck with your other appointments this week. Putting a halt on the trauma work for now seems like a very good idea. I’m glad that the therapist is listening to the speed YOU and your mind want to work at, rather than her agenda, very important 🙂 xx

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