Triggered

I can’t do it.

I don’t want to go to CBT tomorrow. I’m too scared to deal with these memories. Nothing can change them anyway.

I am disgusting. I am so ashamed.

I tried to write out the memory of new year’s eve and it’s so triggering. I can’t do it.

I’m never going to get better if I don’t deal with these memories but it’s so hard. I won’t be able to say it. It makes me feel like dirt. Like I’m nothing. I’m so stupid, useless, pathetic and a slut. 

I just want it all to stop. Tears streaming down my face and all I can think is I just want to die. I just want it all to stop. I can’t deal with it.

Why am I so stupid and pathetic? Why can’t I just grow up?

Do some work you lazy shit instead of just sitting there feeling sorry for yourself. You’re never going to even pass your degree at this rate, let alone get a first. What’s the point in any of this? He’s still controlling you even now, because you’re letting him. Just do something useful for once. You’re going to fail and you’re going to let everyone down. You’re just proving that you’re nothing. Give up. No one cares.

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17 thoughts on “Triggered

  1. The Depressed Moose says:

    you are none of the things you have listed here! you are strong you ARE achieving things and making a go of your life. Please remember the good things that you do – your always around to comment on my posts which is appreciated! this will pass dont give up keep fighting and be proud of every little step you take!

  2. Juliet says:

    … I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I guess that’s exactly what traumatized people feel when it comes down to those memories… no matter what they are based on; seriously.. I can relate to these feelings.
    But please try to keep in mind that you can take your time. No need to rush things. And this is your first go at it anyway and I think A will understand. She knows what it’s like. It’s okay to be scared.
    But I also know that you’re strong enough to handle this eventually. You’ll get there with time.
    I’m thinking of you and will be thinking of you tomorrow as well. Sending you some safe hugs sprinkled with love. xoxoxo

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks Juliet. I will tell A that I am struggling and like you said, I’m sure she will understand. I just really want to get over this because it is still having such a bit impact on my life and I’ve had enough of it! Hope you’re ok? Hugs back xxx

      • Juliet says:

        I can understand why you’re feeling impatient… just don’t put yourself under any pressure.
        I’m okay. And I see that you had a rest today – which is really good because you took care of yourself. xx

  3. behindthemaskofabuse says:

    Sweet Elle, If you can’t write it out right now, that’s okay. You have the choice to move at your own pace. For what it’s worth , I could not handle CBT. I had to find a different type of therapy, that helped me deal with things in a different way that was more tolerable for me

    I wonder if you feel like you are letting your therapist down if you don’t write this out. You’re not. I’m so sad that your narcissistic jerk of an ex, made you believe all these awful things about yourself.

    Take one step at a time, let your “T” know what you can and can’t handle. She’s not there to judge you, she’s there to support you.

    Sending gentle hugs your way. xo

  4. WeeGee says:

    Oh dear sweetie. Take yourself a few deep breaths and give yourself a little break. Tomorrow will come and go and you’ll be stronger at the other side. Sending as much love and encouragement as I can. xoxoxoxox

      • WeeGee says:

        Well done for resting and I hope taking care of yourself through. I know it’s easy to say but don’t worry about tomorrow. You don’t need to deal with anything until you’re ready. Here if you need an ear xoxoxo

  5. My Mental Stream says:

    Oh hun you are none of those. You are a hard working, incredible woman. We make mistakes, but you are in no way a slut. I really do hope things get better for you. Big hugs and snuggles. Please stay safe xxxx

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