Mess

It seems perverse that I waited so long for therapy, and now it’s here, I don’t feel ready.

I’m scared of going tomorrow. I know I should. I know it will help in the long run, but I’m scared because I don’t know how much worse I can deal with.

I’m tempted not to go. To call up and say I’m ill. I want to hide away in my bed all night and all day but I can’t. 

I can’t believe how low I feel right now. It’s hard to feel any hope when I feel like this. My dad said on the phone that it had seemed like I was feeling better this week. I can’t even remember feeling any better, I can’t remember feeling ok when I feel like this. Everything else seems to be blocked out. 

And now I’ve been crying, and I’m dehydrated so guess what, I’m rewarded with a migraine. Because I really need to feel worse don’t I? 

I am completely exhausted and losing hope. I don’t know how to get through this anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to get up and go tomorrow. I know I have to.

I’m sick of living like this. Having to do all these things and never doing things because I want to. Because I don’t, I don’t want to do anything. If I could I would stay in bed all day and do nothing. I know that’s not healthy and it wouldn’t help but that’s what I feel like doing.

Why am I such a mess?

I just want to give up. I don’t even know why I’m keeping on trying anymore.I guess I don’t want to let anyone down. And it’s not fair for me to end my pain, it would just cause pain to other people and I don’t want that. So I’m still “low risk” so it’s fine.

I wish it was easier to explain. Just because I look like I’m functioning most of the time, it doesn’t mean I’m ok. I’m not, I’m really not and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Maybe things will look better in the morning. Good night.

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15 thoughts on “Mess

  1. Jasmine says:

    *gam zeh ya’avor*
    It will pass, it really will. It feels shit now, I know. It feels like nothing will ever feel better, ever again. But it will. You will get through this. You will get to a point where you can engage with the therapy. It might be tomorrow, or it might be at some point in the future, but you will get there. Lots of hugs xxxx

  2. Juliet says:

    I don’t feel like I should be the one to tell you this because I never managed “things” with S. But I have faith in you. And I really believe that you’ll get there. It sucks and it will be hard but you’ll be rewarded for your courage in the end. xx

  3. That Socially Anxious Atheist Paranoid Gay says:

    Hi, I hope things look a little bit better for you today. I feel similar in a way about starting therapy myself, I have been on and off waiting lists for years, and am now a few weeks away from it finally starting. I try just to think of 1 day at a time, I know that’s really hard to do sometimes and it’s natural to think of things that might happen, or that will happen at some point. Anyway, All the best

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks for your support. Good luck with your therapy, I do normally feel better after each session, but going through these memories is hard work and it’s scary, but hopefully it’ll be worth it in the end 🙂 xx

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