It seems perverse that I waited so long for therapy, and now it’s here, I don’t feel ready.
I’m scared of going tomorrow. I know I should. I know it will help in the long run, but I’m scared because I don’t know how much worse I can deal with.
I’m tempted not to go. To call up and say I’m ill. I want to hide away in my bed all night and all day but I can’t.
I can’t believe how low I feel right now. It’s hard to feel any hope when I feel like this. My dad said on the phone that it had seemed like I was feeling better this week. I can’t even remember feeling any better, I can’t remember feeling ok when I feel like this. Everything else seems to be blocked out.
And now I’ve been crying, and I’m dehydrated so guess what, I’m rewarded with a migraine. Because I really need to feel worse don’t I?
I am completely exhausted and losing hope. I don’t know how to get through this anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to get up and go tomorrow. I know I have to.
I’m sick of living like this. Having to do all these things and never doing things because I want to. Because I don’t, I don’t want to do anything. If I could I would stay in bed all day and do nothing. I know that’s not healthy and it wouldn’t help but that’s what I feel like doing.
Why am I such a mess?
I just want to give up. I don’t even know why I’m keeping on trying anymore.I guess I don’t want to let anyone down. And it’s not fair for me to end my pain, it would just cause pain to other people and I don’t want that. So I’m still “low risk” so it’s fine.
I wish it was easier to explain. Just because I look like I’m functioning most of the time, it doesn’t mean I’m ok. I’m not, I’m really not and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Maybe things will look better in the morning. Good night.