I went out tonight. I didn’t really want to, but people I lived with last year were all meeting up for predrinks and I hadn’t seen some of them in a while so I went.
Predrinks was ok. I obviously wasn’t drinking (have given up alcohol for lent/possibly longer) but it was nice to chat with people. At times I felt left out, like I wasn’t part of the group, like they didn’t care about me, but that’s pretty “normal” for me to feel that way.
We went out afterwards. Didn’t really want to go, but it was free entry, and I didn’t want to let the others down. I decided to stay for a bit, and see how it went.
We sat down and that was ok, felt restless but not too panicked. And then we went onto the dance floor. Mistake. Within about a minute I was panicking. The lights, the music, all the people… Bad combination!
I told my friends I needed to go. One of them tried to get me to stay a bit longer, and said she’d leave in half an hour with me, but the anxiety had already set in by this point, and I needed to get out right then.
I ended up shouting at her. Telling her I needed to get out now, and the only reason I came out in the first place was not to let her down. And then I ran away. Pushed my way through the crowds and walked home.
Things didn’t really feel real but everything was happening around me and it just scared me. I panicked and I guess fight or flight kicked in, and I fled. I feel so stupid for reacting this way, but I did try. Other people don’t seem to understand what it’s like. I would’ve have stayed longer if I could. I wish I could’ve enjoyed the night but I was on high alert and felt like I wasn’t part of it anyway.
And this reminds me why I normally drink when I go out. The alcohol dulls the anxiety, and just for a couple of hours I can deal with crowds and lights and music, and I can have a good time. Turns out sober Ellie is even worse at nights out than drunk Ellie. Explain that one doctors? Why do I feel just as depressed and more anxious after a night out where I didn’t even drink?
Now its time to calm myself down and then get to sleep.
Hope everyone has a nice weekend!