Why Ellie shouldn’t drink

**Trigger warning – self harm**

Last night I went out with my society from uni. We had a “mad hatters’ tea party” theme, and I was quite excited about it, had made an excellent hat, and we were expecting quite a few people to turn up.

Only 2 non-exec members turned up. What a disappointment! On the other hand – more cocktails for us.

I drank too much. I am not used to drinking vodka, as I usually stick to peach schnapps (which is half of the alcohol percentage!) so drinking vodka obviously got me quite drunk!

After a bit of a mix up going into town, it ended up that I was on my own, and so I didn’t want to go to the club in case I couldn’t find anyone.

It was on the walk home that I realised how drunk I was. I walked home alone, crying. I was swaying and not walking in a straight line. I don’t really know how I managed to get home safely in that state, but I did.

I opened the front door and then crawled up the stairs.

I felt awful. I wanted to die. I wanted to speak to S. He was getting back from holiday late last night so I texted and asked if he could ring when he got home.

I cried and cried and thought about taking all my tablets. I didn’t. I cut my leg instead. Not very deep at all – only scratches really, but just enough to make it bleed a little. I barely remember doing this, but the evidence is there to see.

I was lying in bed in the dark with my knife and then threw it on the floor.

I must have fallen asleep.

I woke up at about 4:30am, feeling a bit dizzy and sick. Got a glass of water and then realised that S didn’t call me. Was very upset about that.

This morning S texted me and said that I did speak to him on the phone last night. I have no recollection of this at all. Apparently I said “I love you. I miss you. I need you.” and not a lot else.

How embarrassing. And it’s not fair. We aren’t even together anymore so how can I say that stuff to him?

We spoke on the phone this morning and I did a lot of apologising and crying. I still don’t know if I want to be with him or not, and whether it would be a good idea to be in a relationship right now.

I told him about the self harm and he was really upset. I had promised him before that I wouldn’t do it again. But I did. I feel terrible and I don’t even know why I did it.

At the end of the day it doesn’t actually help me, does it? It just hurting. It’s just a punishment, just a way to change the pain.

I feel ashamed. I feel like a horrible terrible person. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just want to feel better and I don’t know how.

And this is why Ellie shouldn’t drink.

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20 thoughts on “Why Ellie shouldn’t drink

  1. Jasmine says:

    I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so shit 😦 But I do want to advise you not to make promises to others about your own health. Nobody has the right to dictate what you do, and certainly not when it comes to things you have no control over. (I’m not saying this is what S did!) The way you deal with your health or express your pain is nobody’s business but yours. It is not for someone else to disapprove of. A person with epilepsy wouldn’t promise a friend never to have a seizure, and they wouldn’t feel guilty when they did have one, nor would the friend express any kind of disappointment or upset about the seizure, because IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT.
    Sorry if I’m coming off strong. I think you’re very used to doing things for other people and when it comes to your own health, it’s so important to remember that a) any decisions you make are for you only, and b) there are some things you can’t help. don’t be too hard on yourself xxx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks Jasmine. It is because it hurts him so much that I promised I wouldn’t do it. One of his friends actually killed herself so I think that’s why it hurts him and upsets him so much. You are right though, I need to make decisions for me, but like you said, I’m used to doing things for other people so it’s hard to change how my brain works. xx

      • Jasmine says:

        I think a lot of people equate self-harm with suicide attempts, when often it’s not the same thing at all. It’s a coping mechanism. Granted, it’s not one that’s socially acceptable or ideal, but I do think the majority of the time people aren’t doing it in an attempt to kill themselves. Maybe (if you are both able to talk about it – obviously a very sensitive topic for both of you) it might help to explain some of that xx

      • anxiouselephant says:

        Yeah you’re right, it’s definitely a completely different thing. I think it is difficult to see someone you care about harming themselves though, even if it’s not going to kill them. Maybe I’ll talk to him about it, but I don’t often actually self harm, I think about it a lot but I don’t normally do it. xxx

      • Jasmine says:

        One of the things I say (although I very rarely talk about it) is that actually everybody self-harms. People drink, smoke, don’t get enough sleep, work too much… it’s just that thse examples are, again, more ‘socially acceptable’. But if the person you’re talking to is open-minded enough, they can sometimes see the point being made. Smoking causes far more long-term phyical damage, for example. One of the most helpful appointments I ever had was with a doctor who, when I admitted to doing it, said, “It’s not ideal, but many people use it to relieve tension and if it works for now, then it works for now. And hopefully in time you’ll find other ways to cope.”

  2. Juliet says:

    I’m so sorry Ellie… please don’t judge yourself for what you did; it was “just” your way of coping. And you do not deserve any punishment. I also agree with what Jasmine says.
    And I know it sucks and I don’t want to annoy you but I was told that alcohol (or any kind of drugs) shouldn’t be consumed when you have PTSD because it destabilizes you further….Sorry. I just want you to be and stay safe… and I’m glad you could make it home like that last night – and that nothing else happened to you out there. Take care and safe hugs xxx

  3. My Mental Stream says:

    I am so sorry to hear this Ellie. Alcohol and you are an OK combination, but perhaps excessive consumption is something you should watch. It sounds like the self harm was a drunken mistake, as were the things that you said to S while in that state. While under the influence you can say, feel and do things which are not necessarily a true representation of who you really are. On the plus side it looks like you didn’t have a hangover! Stay safe my dear and if you ever want to talk, you know where my blog is 🙂 MMS xx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks MMS. I often think about self harm but I very rarely actually do it, but I guess when I was drunk I didn’t think, I just did it. I still don’t really know how I feel about the whole situation with S, and I don’t know how to fix this. You are right – no hang over, which was good! I managed to go to the gym today which was probably just what I needed 🙂 xx

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