Alone

I feel so alone.

I’m not, but I feel it.

It’s amazing how you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone.

S (the boyfriend, who is now my ex, but not to be confused with THE EX) is away on holiday at the moment. We still talked everyday, even though we split up. Now I can’t speak to him, I feel so alone.

I wish I could feel fine. Not even happy, just fine – that would be enough. I feel so alone, so sad, so hurt and so tired.

What does it take to make the pain go away?

This is why I never wanted to rely on someone again. After the ex, I told myself I wouldn’t let anyone get so close, I wouldn’t rely on someone so much. But I did. Not quite so much, but only because S didn’t manipulate me into being controlled and completely reliant. Whenever I had have a problem, I always went go to him. I need him. I miss having someone for me all the time.

How selfish is that?

Now I have no one, and it’s my fault. I don’t want to be a burden on other people. Most of my friends probably don’t notice. They don’t understand anyway.

Just cheer up.

Just get over it.

Things will be fine.

You’ll feel better tomorrow.

But will I? Will I really? Because this is what I’ve been hoping for as long as I can remember, and it hasn’t happened yet.

Why doesn’t anything help?

Maybe tomorrow…

P.S. Sorry for posting so much today. I feel alone and I have too much to say. But still say nothing in all these words.

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18 thoughts on “Alone

  1. Juliet says:

    Keep writing… as much as I want you to. It’s okay. And you do say a lot with your writing!
    You are not selfish, you are hurting and desperate. I wish I could take your pain away…
    Still thinking of you and sending you some safe hugs xoxo

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks Juliet. I am going to try and get some sleep and hope I feel a bit better tomorrow. Your typo made me laugh!! – didn’t even notice it until I read your comment about it! Thanks for being there it means a lot. I hope you’re doing ok, and sending you hugs back! xxx

  2. scienerf says:

    You’re not being selfish! Everyone needs at least one person that they can lean on in times of need and when we’re low we’re more in need than most.
    Keep talking on here there’s no reason to apologise 🙂 xox

  3. Hellosailor says:

    Sweetness, I feel the same. I find it so difficult to trust, but at the same time I feel like I need someone who understand me. I was considering today I don’t really have anyone in “real life” all of my friends are on the internet, even the internet friends who have filtered over to my real life live miles away. At least we have this xox

  4. Bourbon says:

    Warm hugs. I’m sorry he is away and it has left you feeling so alone. I would be the same if my partner/ex/whateverthefuckweare was unavailable to talk everyday. Thinking of you xx

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