A letter

**Trigger warning: Talks about an abusive relationship**

Dear the Ex

I can’t believe what a mess I am in.

When you left me I thought I would never recover. I thought I would never find someone else. I thought I’d always love you. I don’t though. I hate you now. For everything you did to me, for the pain you put me through and for the way you’ve ruined my life for so long.

I am determined to get through this, because you are not going to win this time. You controlled me and my life for far too long and I’ve had enough. Even though I never see you, never speak to you anymore, I am constantly reminded of everything from the past.

Imagine how it must feel to have flash backs of someone who supposedly loves you holding you up against a wall by your throat. Imagine how much it hurt when someone who supposedly loves you breaks up with you and gets a new girlfriend the next day. You tossed me aside like I was nothing. And now I am nothing. And it’s all because of you.

Three years we were together. I was weak, you were manipulative. I let you control me. I let you turn me into a shadow of who I used to be. I lost my friends, I left scouts, I even moved school for you. And for what? To be bullied, taken advantage of and hurt.

I really wish I never met you. You were trouble from the start. I wish I had opened my eyes and seen what was going on. Everyone else could see it wasn’t healthy, but I wouldn’t listen. I thought they were just trying to ruin it. That’s what you said anyway.

And then when we split up, you carried on using me. You told me you loved me, you told me that you wanted us to get back together one day. You were already with M but you carried on sleeping with me. You told her you were out with your friends when you were really with me.

At first I thought you meant it when you said you loved me. I thought the thing with M meant nothing. And then you told her you loved her. I became a woman possessed. I was obsessed with it. I needed to show her what you were. You told her I was crazy, I was jealous, I was trying to ruin your happiness.

Maybe I was. At the beginning I wanted you back. But then it became more than that. I didn’t know M, I didn’t like M, but I needed to protect her from you.

I told her about how you treated me. I told her that you were manipulative, abusive, messed up. She wouldn’t listen. I told her you were still sleeping with me. She wouldn’t believe me. And you threatened to kill me.

She wouldn’t listen. You lied, you both lied. Said you had split up. Said that it was my fault. And then I found out you were still together. After everything.

And then I went to uni. I got away from you and your manipulative ways. I thought so anyway. You wouldn’t leave me alone. Kept texting and calling, and messing with my head.

It took me a long time to be strong enough to cut you off. I did it eventually.

But I still didn’t feel better. I thought maybe if I saw you, if I spoke to you then I could get some closure, and that would be the end of it. But that didn’t help either. And everytime I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt – I used to give you chance after chance. You always messed it up. You always did something to hurt me. When I tried to ignore me you would threaten me, you would say you’d show people photos of me naked, you said you would kill yourself if I didn’t talk to you. What choice did I have?

So then I realised that was it. I needed to cut you off completely. And no it didn’t erase the memories, and no it didn’t stop the flashbacks or the pain, but it’s stopped you creating anymore horrible memories for me.

If you could see the state I’m in now, I wonder what you’d feel. Maybe you’d be proud; you really did mess me up good and proper. Maybe you’d feel guilty? I doubt it, but maybe. Maybe you’d be sad, ashamed of what you’ve done. Or most likely, you’d laugh. You’d tell me I was making it up – depression isn’t real, that’s what you’d say. I’m exaggerating it, I’m pretending. I’m fine, really, I just need to man up.

But I’m not fine. And it’s your fault. You caused all this. The depression, the anxiety, the panic attacks, flashbacks, feeling of emptiness. And guess what, you ruined my relationship with S too. We split up, are you happy now? Because I’m too much of a mess. Because I can’t be in a relationship. Because when someone gets close to me I get scared. And after all those times you treated me like shit and called me a slut and used me for sex, I’m scared to have sex now, or anything like it. And even though S said he didn’t care, I felt useless. Because that’s what you taught me – it’s all about sex. And this is all your fault. But even now, you’d tell me I was making this up, that it was my fault, that you did nothing wrong.

I am so angry at you for everything you’ve done. I made excuses for a long time, but no more. You are a horrible person. You only care about yourself and getting what you want, you just stayed with me “until somone better came along”, remember that?

I know I need to let this go. It was quite a while ago now. We split up over a year and a half ago. But I can’t forgive you. I can’t get closure because you won’t admit it. And now I’m stuck in this vicious circle – anger, sadness, fear, and round and round and round I go.

I wonder what you’d say if you ever read this. You won’t so it doesn’t matter, but I wish I could know what your reaction would be. You probably think I’m pathetic, you probably are deluded enough to think that all of this means I still love you and I’m not over you. But I don’t love you, I hate you. You’re the only person in the world I really hate. I can’t even explain how much damage you’ve done, but what’s the point anyway, you don’t care.

And the most embarrassingly horrible thing about it all is that YOU ended our relationship. After everything I did for you, after turning me into a robot, YOU ended it. You left me with nothing. And I don’t even get the dignity to say that I escaped, because to be perfectly honest, I probably never would’ve ended it myself. I was trapped. Too scared of you and your threats. How dare you.

What a great first relationship that was. Thanks a lot.

Ellie.

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19 thoughts on “A letter

  1. Juliet says:

    I’m so awfully sorry.
    Maybe it doesn’t matter so much who ended it. It matters that you’re without him now and it doesn’t really matter how that happened.
    I have similar feelings to things that happened to me though but I find that this kind of “refocusing” is really helpful. But I know it’s very hard. You’re in my thoughts. Hugs xxx

  2. Hellosailor says:

    You wrote a lot of things here that resonate, I’m trying not to think about it too hard because we both need to be mindful. Remember the PTSD thing? It’s all about living in the right now and trying not to let the past affect you. It’s difficult. It was a long old battle until I stopped living then and started living now. Sometimes it slips, but it takes practice and he won’t haunt you forever.
    I wish I’d had the strength to write something like this to my ex, just to get it out of my system. I’m too scared of the words and feelings that’d come out though xox

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks Carrie, yes it’s very difficult to live in the present instead of the past. If you ever feel like you can do it, I found it really helpful to write this letter. It obviously doesn’t change anything, but it lets the anger out a bit. Hugs xxx

  3. WeeGee says:

    Oh sweetheart. The first thing I want to say to you is that you are NOT nothing. Nothing might have got the better of you for a little while but you are going to be okay, because you are brave and smart and doing all the right things. Hold on tight and keep talking to us.

    Your story has so much in common with mine. I ended up in Lancaster to escape an abusive relationship. It took me a long time, but I did and although I’ll never forget the past I’ve found room for the future. You will too.

    Huge WeeGee HUGS xoxoxoxoxox

  4. My Mental Stream says:

    Wow, that was a powerful read. I am so incredibly proud of you for writing this all out and sharing it all in one go. That idiot is someone who absolutely and completely did not deserve someone as amazing, creative and intelligent as you. You are well rid of him.

    As for your past haunting you I can understand that, but not to the extent you are talking. Those are some horrible memories in your past, but they are exactly that, memories in your past. You can move forward and try to forget them, be the strong confident and wonderful woman that we all get to talk to on here. Stay strong Ellie, you will find your peace eventually, it will just take time. That is what I tell myself anyway 🙂

    Massive bear hugs
    MMS xoxo

  5. Brandon Bored says:

    Ellie, I don’t really know what to say, other than that I am glad this is all within your past now.. Sure, you’re still suffering but, through CBT and therapy, you’re making steady progress to overcome this. You’re the better person for being able to help yourself when, clearly, this guy has many serious issues of his own that he may never address.

    You’re better than him and the experiences you’ve been through have already made you a stronger person. 🙂

    HUGS xx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks BB. He clearly does have his own issues, which I used to use to excuse his behaviour, but I have come to realise that that does not excuse his behaviour, and it wasn’t my fault that he has issues. Hoping that the CBT will help me deal with all of these memories! Hugs back xx

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