Another mixed day (which ended with hope!)

This morning I had my statistics exam. I was worried about it because last time I tried to take it, I had a panic attack and couldn’t do it.

I did it. It was hard, my mind kept going blank. Anxiety was going wild and I couldn’t concentrate. I don’t think I’ve done very well, but I’ve done it, and that’s the main thing.

After the exam was feeling pretty down and rubbish. There were things in the exam that I had practiced last night on SPSS… could I remember them in the exam? No I could not.

So I came back to the house, had some lunch and got ready to go and do my volunteer training at Help Direct.

I’m not sure if I’ve written about it before, but it is a service which aims to help people with mental health/wellbeing problems to change things and make things better. I met the team there before Christmas when I had my initial meeting where we checked that I wanted to do it, and that I was suitable for the role.

Today I got to watch a session, and then afterwards we sent out the relevant details in the post etc. It was really interesting, and it filled me with hope for the future. I was terrified that I was going to hate doing it, and then I wouldn’t know what I wanted to do with my life.

But so far, it was really interesting and enjoyable. I like helping other people, and this role allows you to see the progress people make which is lovely. So for now at least, my goal is still to work in mental health.

Ironically, the reason I want to work in mental health is because of my own experiences. Having watched my mum go through depression a few years ago, I started to be interested in mental illness/mental health. Now, dealing with depression, anxiety and possible PTSD myself, I want to do it even more. I have seen second hand, and felt first hand, how difficult things become where mental illness is concerned. I have seen how hard it is to get help, and seen that sometimes the “help” you are given is not helpful at all. So I want to help, and I want to do it right. So now all I’ve got to do is get better, get my degree, a heap of work experience, a doctorate… and taa daa… I can do the job I want to do, and help people!

(Bloody hell, that’s going to take a while!)

But the good news best news is that I have hope for the future again. I have goals, and aspirations, and I’m on my way. It’s going to be a long journey, but now I have faith that eventually I will get there.

Yay for hope!! 🙂

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

5 thoughts on “Another mixed day (which ended with hope!)

  1. Jasmine says:

    Yay for hope 🙂 I think it’s pretty common for those who have experienced mental health struggles (either first-hand or through a loved-one) to want to help others. I also suspect the best in the field are those who understand the pain their patients/clients endure. Kay Redfield Jamison is one of my personal heroes…

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