Everything needs to change (back in Lancaster)

I have made it back to Lancaster. At times I thought I wouldn’t be coming back this term, but here I am, sitting in my tiny little bedroom and catching up on my blog reading.

I have finished 2 of my pieces of coursework. I’ve got 1 more to do, and an exam on Wednesday, and then the pressure is off (for a little while). This term, I hope to stay on top of my work. But then again, I always say that.

I am feeling very low, and still wondering what I am doing back here… Can I get through this term? Am I good enough? Why can’t I just go home and hide until it all goes away?

Last night we went out for Footballer’s birthday. It was nice to see everyone, and I got drunk for the first time in ages. There was a part of the evening where I started crying, and couldn’t stop. I heard my friend talking to her boyfriend, saying “never leave me”, and that was enough to set me off.

I wanted to go home. Actually, I wanted to die. (Not just because of that, but because I generally felt incredibly rubbish*).

I didn’t go home. I stayed out and went to the club. I didn’t want to let Footballer down by going home. Several other people didn’t come out, and (drunk) footballer got really upset. She thought no one cared and that no one was really her friend.

This is ridiculous; we all love her, we all care about her so much. But Footballer has a very idyllic view of the world, and she expects (and wants) everything to be perfect, but naturally it isn’t.

Someone didn’t come out because they were ill, some are not back in Lancaster, one was at work (but did come out afterwards). No one wanted to hurt her, but it did. She felt let down, and so I went out, and tried to make sure she had fun.

I think she did in the end.

When we came home, I went to bed. I lay there for ages. Just feeling nothing but pain.

When is this going to stop hurting? When am I going to get better? Or, worst of all… what if I never get better?

Today I didn’t get up until about 2. I was drifting in and out of sleep from about 10, but didn’t have the motivation to get up. I was very achy, tired and generally fed up. I got up eventually, and read some blogs.

I was supposed to be doing my lab report today, but I haven’t. It’s half past 6 now and I still can’t be bothered to do anything.

I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to talk. I don’t even want to sleep. I just want this to stop hurting.

Tomorrow uni begins again. This term my timetable is much better – no more 9-6 on a Monday! I don’t start until 11 tomorrow, so I can have a bit of a lie in. I don’t want to go to uni. I don’t want to do any of this right now.

People say I should “try and stay positive”, but how can I stay positive when I’m not positive to begin with?

Feeling very negative. And I wanted this term to be different. I don’t think it will be though.

I am hoping and praying** that things will get better. That the CBT will work. That the psychiatrist will be able to help. That I will lose some of this weight. That I will be able to get through this term. That I will do well in my work…

Everything needs to change. And I don’t know how.

*I always say that. “I feel rubbish”. Actually this is a massive understatement, but it gets across the general feeling.

**This is very hypocritical. I don’t even know if I believe in God anymore. I want to, but I’m in so much pain. I don’t really believe in much anymore. I pray sometimes, that God will help me, and show me a sign that he’s listening. It’s probably stupid. If he’s there, why would he listen to me, who doesn’t even know if I believe anymore?


12 thoughts on “Everything needs to change (back in Lancaster)

  1. behindthemaskofabuse says:

    I hate when people say “try to be positive.” I know they’re trying to be helpful but it’s not. You put so much pressure on yourself sweetie. It wasn’t your job to make your friend happy last night. It sounds like she has some issues that are her own. Take care of you whatever that means for you. I’m so sorry you’re hurting so bad.

    lotsa love xo

  2. Juliet says:

    I’m sorry you’re in this place and that you’re hurting so bad and I wish I had any helpful advice for you (because it would mean I could follow my own advice too… 🙄 ) Just try to make sure you don’t put yourself under all that pressure. Safe hugs. xx

  3. gerald bouthner says:

    CBT has been very effective for a lot of people. As with any treatment we agree upon it is important to stay it through and give it a legitimate chance to work. Don’t let depression or slow results discourage you. That is the mistake I often made early in my treatment pursuits.
    I have had bipolar for 20 years and struggle with depression. Love your writing style! Crossing my fingers for you and CBT effectiveness ..

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Hi. Thanks for your comment, sorry I’m so late in replying, it ended up in spam for some reason! I am starting the CBT properly on Monday, so will be posting about it probably that day! I know it takes time, it’s very frustrating though, I want to feel better now. Hope you are doing ok, and going to pop over to your blog and have a look! x

  4. Mim says:

    Oh my gosh I have just returned to my exchange university in America after an amazing Christmas back in the UK with my family and friends, and I’m feeling the exact same. Took me 5 hours to get out of bed and I’ve literally just sat here crying and speaking to my best friend on Facebook and wishing I was back with him. I’m not sure I’ll be able to last 4 months out here. It helps to know that there are other people going through similar feelings, even if they’re for different reasons.

Leave a Reply :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s