How do you know what the right decision is?

You don’t. That’s the only answer I can find.

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year, and I’ve felt for a while like things aren’t quite right. It’s not because of anything he has done, it’s more that I’m a mess at the moment so a relationship is probably not the best place to be, especially because of all the memories/flash backs I get about things with the ex.

So tonight, amidst lots of tears, I spoke to him about it. I told him that things don’t feel right any more and I’ve tried to fix it but I can’t. I’m going back to Lancaster on Saturday and I think being apart, and me feeling like this would just end up with arguments and us hating each other.

I don’t want that. He’s my best friend. I love him, and I never wanted to hurt him, but we’ve decided to call it off. At least for now.

I don’t know if it was the right decision, and I can’t stop crying, even though this is my decision. He said he loves me. He said he wants to be with me, but he thinks if I feel like it’s not working then it’s probably for the best to end it now, on good terms.

He promised we will still be best friends and that he’s always there for me. I believe him but the prospect of being on my own scares me. But that’s not a reason to stay, is it?

Maybe if I wasn’t away for most of the year then things would be different… But I am, and they aren’t so this is how things are.

My other thought is that maybe I’ve just gone into self-destruct mode. I love him, that means I care, a lot. So maybe that’s why I’m running away from it? The problem with all of this is that even though I love him – he is my best friend, and he is lovely, I’m not IN love with him, and things just don’t feel right.

Maybe one day things will be different and we can try again. Maybe…

Maybe I’m going to realise I’ve lost the best thing that ever happened to me, maybe I’ll be too late… But I can’t live on maybes.

I need to get better and that has to be my number one priority right now. Maybe a relationship is not what I need, but I do need friends, so I hope he will keep that promise.

Can’t believe the sheer amount of tears which has come out of my eyes tonight!

I wish things could’ve worked because he really is so lovely…

I feel so selfish. He has been there for me through everything in the last year and a half, and now I go and end it. I never wanted to hurt him, and now I have. He put up with so much to be with me, I always thought he would be the one to leave me, but now it’s me. And I don’t even know if it’s right…

Sorry for the long train of thought. I just feel sad, really really sad.

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17 thoughts on “How do you know what the right decision is?

  1. behindthemaskofabuse says:

    If it’s meant to be, he will be there and it will come back round. Be careful that you don’t use this choice to beat yourself up too. Trust that he can handle this. I’m guessing he wasn’t putting up with you for the last year, he wanted to be with you. It sounds like you have a very good friend in him and you are also a good friend to him. My heart goes out to you and I’m sorry you’re hurting so deeply. Sending safe hugs your way. xo

  2. simplybluey says:

    ((((hugs)))) relationships are indeed difficult. Trust your inner voice and stay true to yourself. I know it hurts and I am sorry for your pain. xx

  3. Juliet says:

    You’ll see what life brings you next and maybe it will work out again or maybe it won’t. And it’s never a reason to stay “just” because you’re scared of being on your own. Also, you have your friends and it sounds like he’ll be there for you anyway. Hugs xx

  4. Bourbon says:

    Ouch 😦 I can feel your pain. I often think that it’s probably best if I’m not in a r’ship and often I don’t see my partner as a partner more just someone I live with because it puts too much pressure on us otherwise. I do think sometimes we have to put ourselves first and cut r’ship ties to clear the slate and work out where we are at. It’s a very very brave step you are taking. Very. I couldn’t do it right now. Be gentle with you. Let the tears flow as much as they need to. It;s all in the name of healing xox

  5. Jasmine says:

    Oh Ellie 😦 I feel for you, I really do. The bit that stood out for me though was “I love him, I’m just not in love with him” – you seemed quite certain of this, which makes me think perhaps it is the right decision for now. I think in a way if you do stay friends it would probably confirm that too, because it would mean you were better as friends. But if you don’t stay friends, because feelings are running high, that doesn’t mean it was the wrong decision either. It will be hard, and it will feel awful for a while, but if you feel that you need to focus solely on you, and getting yourself through things, then that is what you need to do. Massive hugs xxxxx

  6. My Mental Stream says:

    I am sorry to hear about your break up. I know how difficult they can be. I still struggle with mine, and they happened a long time ago now. I hope you can find the calm and peace you need. Cry if you have to, mourn the past if you need to, but do not let it consume you. Hig hugs Ellie, really big hugs xxx

  7. Brandon Bored says:

    I think it’s nice that he will still be there for you, as your best friend, where some guys may’ve taken it all too personally, you know.

    I also think you’ve come to a good realisation, in the sense that you love him but you’re not ‘in-love’ with him. I agree that it is wrong to stay with someone simply because you fear being alone otherwise. It’s harder when you have few friends as well. I’ve found that putting more trust in to a couple of other friends, allowing them to be closer, has helped me with my own situation. 🙂

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks BB, very good advice. I am trying to be more open with my friends so that they can help, but I don’t like it when people worry about me, I feel like I’m putting them out of their way. xx

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