The anxiety in general hasn’t been too bad, however every time I think that one problem is gone (anxiety) it seems to pop back up!
I do avoid situations in order to prevent anxiety, and I do get easily stressed out – some of the things I need to work on in CBT I think!
But, the other day, anxiety appeared – out of nowhere, and reminded me that it is still a major problem, and shouldn’t be ignored!
Some of my friends went back to uni the weekend that just went, so we went to the pub on Friday for a goodbye meet up.
We went to my local pub, where I frequently go. I often see people from my primary school, which is fine, but I was not expecting to see who I saw this time.
We (my cousin and I, as we arrived first) walked in, and being a Friday, it was quite busy. We walked around and eventually found a table. Just as we were about to sit down, I looked up ahead of me, and saw a large group of people who went to my secondary school.
I have not seen any of them since I left after year 11, and I never wanted to see them again. I have friends from my secondary school, but these people were definitely not my friends.
It was the “popular” group, who used to make my life hell. They would shout stuff at me, and I always felt incredibly uncomfortable around them. They were the people in my year who acted like they owned the place, and I can not explain the anxiety which came over me upon seeing them.
My first instinct was to get up and leave. Preferably leave the pub, or at least move away from them. But they had seen me, and I didn’t want to give them ammunition by walking away. So I sat down, and tried to forget that they were there. They did notice me, I could see them looking at me. I even heard a couple of comments. They were not directed at me, but they were about me, and loud enough for me to hear.
Luckily for me, they left not long after we arrived, and once they were gone I started to relax. My heart was beating fast and I felt disorientated. I wanted to run, and yet I couldn’t. Once they had been gone for a while, my heartbeat went back to normal, and I was slowly able to calm down. My other friends arrived and we chatted, had a few drinks and it was nice.
But this was a reminder that I can’t escape from the past. And the things from the past are still haunting me…
I am relieved to say that my ex was not with them, even though he did used to be friends with a couple of them. I think if he had been there I wouldn’t have been able to stay, but he wasn’t, so I could.