Last night I felt bad, really bad.
As I said in my post yesterday (Failure) I had to cancel my friends coming round. I spent the evening at home by myself, and even Love Actually (one of my favourite films) failed to cheer me up.
I was at home and lonely. My boyfriend didn’t want to come round
because I’m a useless bitch because he said in the mood I was in everything he did would be wrong. I know he was right. It was probably good to have some time by myself but I don’t trust myself by myself anymore.
So I went to bed feeling really awful. And for the first time in a long time I couldn’t resist the urge to cut.
It’s not dangerous, just scratching really. Just enough to sting, barely enough to break the skin but just enough to hurt.
People don’t understand why. Why do it if I’m not even doing it to die? Why do it if I’m barely even bleeding?
I don’t even know. It’s a punishment. It’s when I can feel real, physical pain instead of all this emotional pain that haunts me everyday.
I’m pathetic. Can’t even do it right.
I am scared of blood.
I’m sick of feeling so empty.
So much pain I can’t explain.
I’ve had enough. How much more do I have to take?
~~ My mind is a jumble ~~
Today I’ve sat at home by myself.
I didn’t get up until the afternoon. Just drifted in and out of sleep. Lying there awake sometimes just motionless, then going back to blissful sleep for a little longer.
Got up, still in my pajamas now at nearly 5pm, won’t be getting dressed today.
Tried to do some work for uni. Managed to do some, which is better than anything I’ve managed so far this holiday. Written nearly 1000 words, but it’s rubbish. Is there any point in trying?
I had a little burst of motivation. A few minutes where I thought “You know what, I can do this. Screw the ex, screw depression, I’m going to finish the year.” But then I slipped back into indifference, and have decided I need a break from work (already.)
So I’ve watched mindless stuff on TV (“come dine with me” anyone?) and just sat eating more crap. No wonder I’m getting fat…
I thought about going for a walk earlier, but no sooner had the thought entered my mind, did it start raining. Now it’s pitch dark outside, not sure I want to go for a walk anymore.