Last Night *TW*/Jumble

*Trigger Warning*

Last night I felt bad, really bad.

As I said in my post yesterday (Failure) I had to cancel my friends coming round. I spent the evening at home by myself, and even Love Actually (one of my favourite films) failed to cheer me up.

I was at home and lonely. My boyfriend didn’t want to come round because I’m a useless bitch  because he said in the mood I was in everything he did would be wrong. I know he was right. It was probably good to have some time by myself but I don’t trust myself by myself anymore.

So I went to bed feeling really awful. And for the first time in a long time I couldn’t resist the urge to cut.

It’s not dangerous, just scratching really. Just enough to sting, barely enough to break the skin but just enough to hurt.

People don’t understand why. Why do it if I’m not even doing it to die? Why do it if I’m barely even bleeding?

I don’t even know. It’s a punishment. It’s when I can feel real, physical pain instead of all this emotional pain that haunts me everyday.

I’m pathetic. Can’t even do it right.

I am scared of blood.

I’m sick of feeling so empty.

So much pain I can’t explain.

I’ve had enough. How much more do I have to take?

~~ My mind is a jumble ~~

Today I’ve sat at home by myself.

I didn’t get up until the afternoon. Just drifted in and out of sleep. Lying there awake sometimes just motionless, then going back to blissful sleep for a little longer.

Got up, still in my pajamas now at nearly 5pm, won’t be getting dressed today.

Tried to do some work for uni. Managed to do some, which is better than anything I’ve managed so far this holiday. Written nearly 1000 words, but it’s rubbish. Is there any point in trying?

I had a little burst of motivation. A few minutes where I thought “You know what, I can do this. Screw the ex, screw depression, I’m going to finish the year.” But then I slipped back into indifference, and have decided I need a break from work (already.)

So I’ve watched mindless stuff on TV (“come dine with me” anyone?) and just sat eating more crap. No wonder I’m getting fat…

I thought about going for a walk earlier, but no sooner had the thought entered my mind, did it start raining. Now it’s pitch dark outside, not sure I want to go for a walk anymore.


19 thoughts on “Last Night *TW*/Jumble

  1. Jasmine says:

    These days are awful, I know. It feels like a total waste and like you’ve failed. You havent failed. You’ve faltered. Everybody does. We all falter in different ways.

    At times like these it’s good to try and achieve one thing each day. Just one. It could be something as “simple” as getting dressed (which we both know is sometimes not simple at all). Make a list of things. Do one each day. Anything else you achieve is then a huge bonus. I would deliberately have a long list which sounds odd but it worked for me because I knew I couldn’t possibly cross off everything on it, therefore anything I did manage was an achievement. It also gave me a few choices in terms of what I wanted to manage that day.

    It will pass. Holidays are hard, it’s when we have a lack of structure/routine and too much time to dwell. Keep going. One moment at a time xxx

  2. Brandon Bored says:

    Can I ask you why you do it, Ellie? Do you find that the pain distracts you from your thoughts?

    There is wristband-type accessory called a ‘Thought Stopper’ that’s supposed to help this. I read about them on someone else’s blog a while back and you can get them from a seller on eBay. I bought one for May but I haven’t yet given it to her. I’ve tried to harming myself with an ordinary elastic band and I can say that the pain seems to be enough to silence my mind!

    In my opinion, life would be easier if there was more than just a few days between Christmas and New Years. That gap doesn’t really benefit many people, in my opinion and it can be a very lonely time of year for many. Christmas is nice for three days but then, it should be over. Instead, we’re only ‘waiting’ for the new year… Those are my thoughts, anyway. 🙂

    • anxiouselephant says:

      I think it’s just physical pain which replaces the emotional pain for a little while, and it’s a punishment to myself I guess.
      And I will have a look, thanks for letting me know.
      And yes I agree! This time inbetween is just nothingness, just waiting for the new year! xx

  3. My Mental Stream says:

    Oh Come Dine With Me…what a show. The narrator is the best bit.
    I am sorry to hear these things Ellie, but I know you will have things go your way. You are a wonderful person and I know things will look up. Smile, you are amazing. xxx

  4. Hellosailor says:

    Sounds like my day…….. You’re not alone, it’ll get better (it’ll get shit again too, but that’s not the point! It WILL get better) and we are all here to listen to your jumbled-ness become un-jumbled.
    And as for Come Dine With Me…… I’ve been watching Dinner Date since there is no Jeremy Kyle on over Christmas. I think that is more sad xox

  5. mintedmoose says:

    Days like that are terrible. The thing is nobody can understand without having been there themselves. I feel for you as i remember those days. Stay strong and know your not alone xXx

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