Failure

I’m a failure.

Right now, I should be surrounded by most of my best friends, having a few drinks and a nice time.

But I’m not.

I cancelled.

I texted them all and said I’m not well so I’ve got to cancel.

Even though I might not get a chance to see all of them until easter now.

How selfish is that?

How useless am I?

I couldn’t even cope for one night.

One night that should’ve been fun.

So now I’m sitting at home by myself, watching “love actually”, eating loads of crap feeling absolutely rubbish. (Feeling sorry for myself.)

Oh, and the other thing.

I’m getting fat. I’ve put on so much bloody weight since I’ve been on the Mirtazapine.

Half of my clothes don’t even fit me anymore and it’s making me feel even worse about myself.

And I’m not doing anything about it. Sitting here, typing this, eating crisps. Fatty.

 

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11 thoughts on “Failure

  1. Juliet says:

    Sweetie… it’s okay you cancelled and it’s not selfish at all because you do need to take care of yourself. I’m sure you friends understand that if you feel bad, you just feel bad and then it’s normal to cancel (even if they do not know the “real reasons”.
    I’m sorry to hear about your weight gain because it troubles you… but maybe you can get on another drug? I know you’ve already tried some and they didn’t work. Do you think Mirtazapine works for you (in the sense of your feelings)? Maybe you can get something else and if this one doesn’t help you … take care. And don’t beat yourself u about it xo

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks Juliet, I’m sure they don’t mind but I feel like I let them down. 😦 And I am going to ask to change meds when I get back to uni (they didn’t want to change them over the holidays) because a) they don’t seem to help and b) the weight gain is really bothering me. I’ve tried 5 different ones now, but hopefully will get to see a specialist who knows what they are doing when I get back! Hope you are doing ok? xx

  2. buckwheatsrisk says:

    Oh sweetie try and counter act the abusers lies with some truth. You are none of those things. You’re a lovely young lady in a lot of pain right now. It’s okay to feel that way.

    If the meds are affecting you, can you see about getting on something else? I was on one that made me feel like I was starving all the time, no matter how much I ate. I got off of it as it would have done much worse to me not only physically but along with it mentally and emotionally.

    Good for you for canceling and taking care of you and your needs.

    Sending gentle hugs your way xo

  3. Nicole says:

    I wish I could have pushed “unlike”. I agree with everything Buckwheatsrisk says–you’re none of those things and taking care of yourself is so important! I for one am proud of you for doing what you needed to do to take care of yourself.

  4. Hellosailor says:

    I think it’s ok not to go out with your friends. I always used to feel bad that I wouldn’t go out with them, but I don’t think any of them realised how much of an effort it is for people like us to get up and go out. Sometimes the anxiety associated with getting up and going out is tiring enough. I don’t really enjoy being out, but it seems like it is pushed onto us that it is the social norm to do.
    Take care xox

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