I’ve been home from uni for a week now,
Everyone said I would feel better when I went home. I don’t. I’m not surprised, but no one knows how to deal with me.
I’m a mess.
I’m working over the holidays to get some money, and I used to like working there (even though its only a supermarket.) the people are nice, and the work isn’t too bad, and the money is always nice.
The first day I worked I felt quite good; better than I’ve felt for quite a while. But as the week has gone on I’ve felt worse and worse.
After work on Thursday I went to a Christmas party, where I was the only sober one, and I ended up doing a lot of the clearing up,despite arriving very late (because of work.)
I drove home. My dinner had been kept in the oven, and it has dried up. I broke down. I couldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t about the dinner.
I went to bed still crying, I hoped I’d feel better in the morning. I didn’t. I don’t.
I haven’t managed to do any of my uni work, and I’m struggling to be “happy”, even in appearance.
So tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I’m working, it’s going to be busy and probably stressful, but I’ve had the weekend off, and will have 2 days off (Christmas day and Boxing Day) after tomorrow.
I have tried to break up with my boyfriend several times. Eventually he’s going to give up on me.
I don’t want to break up, it’s just me pushing people away. Everytime we get close, I get scared so I try to get away. It’s stupid,and I’m hurting him and myself by acting this way.
It’s irrational. But then again, I already know a lot of my behaviour is irrational.
I have an irrational fear of letting people down, of failing or even making mistakes. I’m irrationally sad most of the time, and I have no direct reason for it.
I feel like I’m losing control more and more. I don’t know how long this will go on for.
I’m a mess.
Just got to get through Christmas, and then I can get on with everything else.
But I should be happy at Christmas.
I have no bad Christmas memories, no reason to hate Christmas.
But it’s so much pressure. You must be happy, you must get everyone appropriate presents, you must “cheer up- it’s Christmas!”
In an ordinary state of mind, I would be looking forward to this Christmas.
It’s a time where I get to see my extended family, where we will all be together, including my cousin who is one of my best friends. There will be lovely food, and presents and everyone will be in a good mood. We may even manage to get through Christmas without arguments, yet I can’t make myself excited.
I am hoping that after work tomorrow, my Christmas spirit will appear!
I know this time of year is very difficult for a lot of people who might be reading this, and despite my pessimism, I would like to wish each and every one of my lovely readers a lovely Christmas.
Who knows, it might surprise us!