A week at home

I’ve been home from uni for a week now,
Everyone said I would feel better when I went home. I don’t. I’m not surprised, but no one knows how to deal with me.
I’m a mess.
I’m working over the holidays to get some money, and I used to like working there (even though its only a supermarket.) the people are nice, and the work isn’t too bad, and the money is always nice.
The first day I worked I felt quite good; better than I’ve felt for quite a while. But as the week has gone on I’ve felt worse and worse.
After work on Thursday I went to a Christmas party, where I was the only sober one, and I ended up doing a lot of the clearing up,despite arriving very late (because of work.)
I drove home. My dinner had been kept in the oven, and it has dried up. I broke down. I couldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t about the dinner.
I went to bed still crying, I hoped I’d feel better in the morning. I didn’t. I don’t.
I haven’t managed to do any of my uni work, and I’m struggling to be “happy”, even in appearance.
So tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I’m working, it’s going to be busy and probably stressful, but I’ve had the weekend off, and will have 2 days off (Christmas day and Boxing Day) after tomorrow.
I have tried to break up with my boyfriend several times. Eventually he’s going to give up on me.
I don’t want to break up, it’s just me pushing people away. Everytime we get close, I get scared so I try to get away. It’s stupid,and I’m hurting him and myself by acting this way.
It’s irrational. But then again, I already know a lot of my behaviour is irrational.

I have an irrational fear of letting people down, of failing or even making mistakes. I’m irrationally sad most of the time, and I have no direct reason for it.
I feel like I’m losing control more and more. I don’t know how long this will go on for.
I’m a mess.
Just got to get through Christmas, and then I can get on with everything else.

But I should be happy at Christmas.
I have no bad Christmas memories, no reason to hate Christmas.
But it’s so much pressure. You must be happy, you must get everyone appropriate presents, you must “cheer up- it’s Christmas!”
In an ordinary state of mind, I would be looking forward to this Christmas.
It’s a time where I get to see my extended family, where we will all be together, including my cousin who is one of my best friends. There will be lovely food, and presents and everyone will be in a good mood. We may even manage to get through Christmas without arguments, yet I can’t make myself excited.
I am hoping that after work tomorrow, my Christmas spirit will appear!
I know this time of year is very difficult for a lot of people who might be reading this, and despite my pessimism, I would like to wish each and every one of my lovely readers a lovely Christmas.
Who knows, it might surprise us!


18 thoughts on “A week at home

  1. My Mental Stream says:

    Merry Christmas to you Ellie. I understand a lot of what you are going through, the pushing people away, the lost feeling, the unexplainable emotional turmoil. I hope it gets better for you. Good Luck tomorrow. xxx

  2. Bourbon says:

    Aww Ellie I’m sorry you are sounding so low. Don’t be too hard on yourself. The whole world could be made of gold but some people would still struggle with depression. Enjoy what you can and let yourself not enjoy the rest. Thinking of you and sending some warm strength xox

  3. overthinkingmind says:

    I really hope you feel better soon. I hope you enjoy the things you used to like your work. It seems like you have a really lovely boyfriend who is willing to stand by you which shows how special he is and that you don’t need to push him away.
    Hope you have a lovely Christmas xx

  4. Hellosailor says:

    I think xmas is a difficult time of year for many people, not just those who suffer from the mentals! But you’re right, the pressure of having to be “happy” is too much pressure to be really happy. Personally I can’t wait ’till it’s over and everything can go back to “normal” 😉
    I’m here for you, and I’m sure loads of others are, over the holiday season. xox

  5. buckwheatsrisk says:

    Oh my goodness you’re so hard on yourself. You’ve taken up the torch of your abuser. It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling, you’ve been through a lot. Be gentle with yourself take care of you, as if you were a friend that was hurting the same.
    gentle hugs. I’m thinking of you xo

  6. Jasmine says:

    You don’t need a ‘reason’ to feel bad at Christmas. An illness doesnt discriminate between the holiday season and the rest of the year – we assume we “should” feel better if we don’t have a traumatic event or bad memory linked to Christmas, but that’s like saying somebody with a broken leg should miraculously recover as the 25th draws nearer – it doesn’t work that way!

    Happy Christmas to you, I hope you are able to enjoy it 🙂

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks jasmine, you’re right, but a physical illness/injury is a lot easier to understand/explain,because you can see it. Thank you for the Christmas wishes – I hope you have a lovely christmas! Xx

  7. Juliet says:

    Hey, I hope you have a nice time with your family. Don’t stress yourself and as everyone else already said: don’t be so hard on yourself. Take care. xx

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