Ellie is not okay.
She is even less okay than she previously thought.
(I’m not sure why I’m talking in the 3rd person here, going to switch back to 1st person!)
Today I was meant to have an exam.
I revised to the exam, I felt ok, although not completely prepared.
I went to the exam, still feeling ok.
I sat down in the exam, pressed start (it was on a computer) and promptly forgot everything I have ever known about statistics, and SPSS (the statistics program we use for all our analyses.)
This was not good. Panic entered the room.
I had a minor breakdown. I left the room.
My tutor was nice and said I can do it next term, but I feel awful.
It’s just another thing that I haven’t been able to do this term.
I sat in front of my head of year and cried for over half an hour. He said it’s okay if I do it next term.
He said it’s okay if I do my other exams next term too. But I wanted to do them this term.
I just want to be normal.
I want to be able to do my exams and coursework at the same time as everyone else, I don’t want to need extra time and all this special consideration.
I just want to feel normal.
Everyone keeps saying it’s just one more week. It’s less than that now. But I’m not sure I can do one more week of term.
There’s an exam tomorrow morning, and I want to do it.
I think I’ll try and give it a go.
But is there any point if I’m just going to fail anyway?
And then they started talking about intercalating (taking a year out) again.
I don’t want to do it. Then I’ll feel like a failure.
But what if it is the best thing to do? How am I meant to know?
Will I feel better if I pack it in for a year? Or will I feel even worse?
Sorry for all the questions, they are of course rhetorical, but if anyone has any wise words of wisdom , I’d love to hear them 😛
All in all, I am not feeling good at all. In fact, I’m feeling rather fed up.
And now I have the choice of doing an exam which I probably won’t be able to do my best in, or adding another thing to the list of things I couldn’t do this term…
I hate feeling like this. In my head, it’s just building evidence of me being a useless failure.
Maybe I’m right…