Oh dear

Ellie is not okay.

She is even less okay than she previously thought.

(I’m not sure why I’m talking in the 3rd person here, going to switch back to 1st person!)

Today I was meant to have an exam.

I revised to the exam, I felt ok, although not completely prepared.

I went to the exam, still feeling ok.

I sat down in the exam, pressed start (it was on a computer) and promptly forgot everything I have ever known about statistics, and SPSS (the statistics program we use for all our analyses.)

This was not good. Panic entered the room.

I had a minor breakdown. I left the room.

My tutor was nice and said I can do it next term, but I feel awful.

It’s just another thing that I haven’t been able to do this term.

I sat in front of my head of year and cried for over half an hour. He said it’s okay if I do it next term.

He said it’s okay if I do my other exams next term too. But I wanted to do them this term.

I just want to be normal.

I want to be able to do my exams and coursework at the same time as everyone else, I don’t want to need extra time and all this special consideration.

I just want to feel normal.

Everyone keeps saying it’s just one more week. It’s less than that now. But I’m not sure I can do one more week of term.

There’s an exam tomorrow morning, and I want to do it.

I think I’ll try and give it a go.

But is there any point if I’m just going to fail anyway?

And then they started talking about intercalating (taking a year out) again.

I don’t want to do it. Then I’ll feel like a failure.

But what if it is the best thing to do? How am I meant to know?

Will I feel better if I pack it in for a year? Or will I feel even worse?

Sorry for all the questions, they are of course rhetorical, but if anyone has any wise words of wisdom , I’d love to hear them 😛

All in all, I am not feeling good at all. In fact, I’m feeling rather fed up.

And now I have the choice of doing an exam which I probably won’t be able to do my best in, or adding another thing to the list of things I couldn’t do this term…

I hate feeling like this. In my head, it’s just building evidence of me being a useless failure.

Maybe I’m right…

28 thoughts on “Oh dear

  1. buckwheatsrisk says:

    if you take a year off to care for yourself, that’s not failure. maybe if you have that time, you will come back stronger than ever before, having had some help and rest, with all pressure off.
    i’m thinking of you xo
    i had to do part time in school for hairdressing years back. i did eventually finish even if it took me longer and i was proud of that, because i had to battle trauma to do it. you’re not weak you are surviving. xo

  2. Juliet says:

    Maybe it’s just too much for you at the moment. If I may mention it… when I was in high school, after the end of the bullying, still with the same people every day… I just couldn’t go on anymore. I failed most of my exams and in the end “sitzen bleiben” if you know that German concept. Looking back at it… it was good for me to repeat the year. Yes, it was painful but I wouldn’t be where I am at today if I had forced myself through this ordeal at school when I simply couldn’t take it anymore.
    Take your time with everything , especially with that decision. Take care of yourself and listen to your gut feeling. xox

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks Juliet. I’m glad it was good for you in the end. I am going to take time to think over the Christmas holidays, and then decide. It’s very difficult when my emotions are all over the place, for example today was much better than yesterday, and I managed to do my exam, but days like yesterday I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore. xx

  3. anxietyadventures says:

    Hey – I hear you. When I was in school I didn’t want to ask for (or take) any special considerations for exams. I felt like it meant I was stupid and weak.

    Now, 5.5 years out of college, I’m just starting to believe that test anxiety isn’t a sign of stupidity or weakness, instead it means that my brain is wired differently and I have an extra hurdle to jump when test-taking.

    Try to think of as any other disorder that requires test-taking accommodations – dyslexia comes to my mind first. Dyslexia doesn’t mean a person is a “useless failure”, it just means she works within a different framework than most people. It’s not shameful. Test anxiety is really no different.

    Does that make sense? I know it’s really hard to believe, but hopefully it helps.

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks for your comment, that is a really good way to look at it! I think in future I’m going to try to allow myself to ask for help, instead of trying to do everything when I just can’t. 🙂 xx

  4. Bourbon says:

    The way I see it is it isn’t a race. Life isn’t about getting to the finish line as quick as possible. It is about the journey. If your journey in life is to take gap years between studying then thats what your journey is. It took me 5 years to do a 3 year psychology degree, for example. When everyone around you is doing everything as planned you can start to feel a bit left behind and redundant but stuff everyone else. They aren’t you. And they’re the ones missing out on that ;)Be good to yourself Ellie xx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks Bourbon. I guess it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I have to take a year out, but I really really don’t want to. I am going to have a good think over the holidays as to whether I can complete the year or not. xx

  5. Hellosailor says:

    Exams freak me the hell out. I’ve lost it in so many, but I think it makes it a little better if you have people around you during the exam who understand. The first exam I lost it in no one knew how f**ked I was in the head (I probably didn’t even know) and I couldn’t walk out because it was in a room of 100 students and I didn’t want everyones eyes on me when I walked out!!! Ack. It was horrible.
    I some how managed to do my GCSEs and now countless nurse exams, even if I still die of anxiety before each one. I think maybe the more you do the more confidence it gives you. Think like – “I did todays exam and nothing bad happened.” Even if you didn’t manage to do the exam, its not like thats it, its over forever and you’ll never be able to take it again. There will be other oppertunities 😉

  6. WeeGee says:

    I took a year out between my second and third years. For me it turned out to be the best thing I’ve ever done. You just have to do what’s right for you. Huge hugs xoxoxox

  7. JuliesMum says:

    I think you’re really sensible to take the holidays to think about it. The most important thing is that whatever you decide, it is really your decision and you understand why you are doing it. It’s easy to make a decision for what you think are the right reasons, but only realise later that you were influenced someone else. Then once you’ve made your decision don’t let other people blow you off course – tell them you’ve thought really carefully about it and this is why you’ve decided this. It’s amazing how much pressure people put on you to make a decision that would suit them (for whatever reason!)

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