That’s the question people keep asking me at the moment.
There’s only one answer to that, but I can’t give it. (“I want to feel better, I want to be happy.”)
So instead I say “I want an elephant”, and they say “what, a real one?” and I say “Yes,” and we laugh.
I always say “I love Christmas.”
But what I should say is “I used to love Christmas.” Not anymore; it’s too difficult. It’s a time when everyone is happy and together, it is not a time where it is acceptable to hide away and be sad.
I’m going to my cousin’s house for Christmas. There will be my parents, my brother, my cousin, my aunt and uncle, my God father, my Nanna and me… all together on Christmas day, and an extra aunt, uncle and 2 cousins on Boxing day… There will be no escape.
I just have to keep the pretense up. But it’s hard enough at the best of times, let alone when everyone else is so happy.
I want to enjoy Christmas again. I am so lucky I have so many people to share this “happy time” with, and yet all I want to do is press pause on life, and just rest.
Oh, what I would give to not feel tired, just for a day.
On a lighter note, I hope everyone’s been eating their Advent chocolates! And one thing I do still like about Christmas is getting people presents, especially when you find the perfect present for someone!
Let’s have some Christmas music to cheer us all up…
“Tis the season of love and understanding, Merry Christmas, everyone”