Things about Ellie (right now)

  1. I am not coping as well as I had originally thought/hoped. (I think I’ve been in denial for quite a while*)
  2. I want to curl up in my bed in the dark and hide there until this all goes away (but it won’t)
  3. I can’t do everything like I was hoping. (This was all attempting to distract myself from the fact that I really am not coping.)
  4. I want to give up.
  5. I am sabotaging my relationship because of my ex (not intentionally.) I start arguments over nothing, and am convinced he’s going to hurt me/leave me/cheat on me, despite having no evidence of this.
  6. In relation to 5, I am being very irrational, and I know it.
  7. I think I was bullied when I was younger. (It did upset me, but I thought it was “normal”/just teasing)
  8. I hate the ex for what he’s done, because I can’t get through a week without being frequently triggered.
  9. Even though I feel like giving up, I can’t. I can’t let people down.
  10. Sometimes I need to ask for help and people will help if you let them.**
  11. But not doctors…***
  12. I have people who care about me here and in real life (and that makes me lucky)

In conclusion, things are not very good in Ellie land, but even though I want to, I can’t give up yet.

*Oo that rhymes!

**I had to ask for an extension for coursework, but they were nice so it’s ok.

***Feeling hopeless about the doctor situation, they can’t seem to do anything to help. If 5 medications haven’t helped, why would a 6th? But I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and give this current one (number 5) another 2 weeks.


15 thoughts on “Things about Ellie (right now)

  1. theartistryofthebipolarbrain says:

    I certainly hope you can get help with all of this. I am glad that the teacher/professor/whoever was willing to work with you. Being triggered so frequently is a horrible feeling.

    The only thing that helped me start dealing with those triggers and the memories that go with them was therapy. And it was pretty intense therapy. As well, I had to go through it again about 2-3 years later. And 6 years after that, I went through some pretty intense therapy of a different sort. The one thing I have learned from dealing with different forms of abuse in my life is that it take work. And the work is never done.

    As for medication…Having been on and off of it for over 14 years, I can feel your frustration. But I have to admit that the medication has helped. Not every medication, and they have stopped working after a while, BUT, when they work, it is amazing the difference they can make. It takes a treatment TEAM for me to manage my bipolar disorder, and I am an integral part of that team. Only I can tell them when I feel off while on a medication. Only I can tell them whether the side effects aren’t worth the benefit to me. I do have those I am close to that help me notice mood swings or personality changes so we can determine if there are problems with my medications.

    It took me a while, but I finally came to the conclusion that the reason there are so many drugs on the market to treat the exact same symptoms/disease/illness is because the human body is incredibly unique. So they have no idea how a medication will work on any one person. For example, hydrocodone is an extremely popular pain medication. I cannot take it. I am not allergic to it in the sense that doctors usually mean when they ask. I have been directed to tell doctors and nurses I am allergic, though. You see, hydrocodone is a depressant and it makes me suicidal…in 3 doses or less. So, for the majority of people, it’s a beneficial treatment. For me? Not so much.

    Anyway, (sorry for the dissertation) I do hope that you begin to feel better about your situation. I hope that the people in your life can help you find your way out of this canyon. I know that you don’t want to lose the relationships and plans you currently have in your life. I will keep you in my thoughts and wish the best for you.

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thank you for your comment and for sharing your story. I hope you are doing okay at the moment! I’m on the waiting list for CBT/counselling, so it’s just a case of waiting, but I am thinking that is probably going to be the way forward. The medications are really frustrating, and I know a lot of people have the same problems, but you’re right, everyone is different so we react differently to different things! Thank you for your lovely words, it means a lot. Take care xx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thank you for the hugs, they are much needed! 🙂 And I hope so too, the weekend away from uni has given me a bit of a break, I just wish I didn’t have the 2 very busy weeks up ahead before the holidays! xx

  2. Juliet says:

    Sometimes, it takes a lot of time to realize if you’ve been “really” hurt. I never quite realized that about my own experiences with the bullies because I suppressed everything for years.
    If you ever want to elaborate (i.e. talk) about the bullying, just shoot me an e-mail. Err,of course you can always e-mail me about everything but maybe I could be of actual help there; dunno though. I don’t hope that I made you feel bad with anything I wrote about … Hope you’ll feel better soon xoxo

  3. Jasmine says:

    Okay so, I’ve been reading the mirtazapine posts and the ‘up’ posts and then this one and thinking a lot. Mirtazapine really messed with my head and I suddenly found myself very very high, it was bliss. And the crash that followed it was just awful. Because anti-depressants should *not* be prescribed to anyone whose moods shift. If you have ups as well as downs, an anti-depressant is more likely to push you into a high state, which is inevitably followed by a more intense low. It’s actually quite dangerous, and it makes me angry that they are continuing to try the same thing with you over and over.

    So many of your posts make for familiar reading. A few months ago I found old diaries from age 18-21 and there were so many hints in there that something much more was going on than just depression or anxiety. I put a few samples in a blog post back in August. The doctors diagnose depression because it’s easy but I so hope you can get somewhere with the psychiatrist and they can establish what else is going on. In the meantime… I so want to advise you to avoid anti-depressants altogether but I can’t know what’s best for you just because my experience was negative. I just don’t want things to get worse for you just because doctors can be disappointingly ignorant at times. (Yes, I know I’m a little biased about it these days!!)

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks for your comment. Having been on the mirtazapine for about 8 weeks now (maybe a bit longer) on different levels of mg, it hasn’t helped so I will be asking the doctor to take me off them. The only worry I have is that once I tried coming off medication all together (gradually) and I felt even more awful, so maybe it’s doing something even if I don’t notice. I am hoping to see a psychiatrist after Christmas, so hopefully he will know what he is doing more than the GP! Xx

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