- I am not coping as well as I had originally thought/hoped. (I think I’ve been in denial for quite a while*)
- I want to curl up in my bed in the dark and hide there until this all goes away (but it won’t)
- I can’t do everything like I was hoping. (This was all attempting to distract myself from the fact that I really am not coping.)
- I want to give up.
- I am sabotaging my relationship because of my ex (not intentionally.) I start arguments over nothing, and am convinced he’s going to hurt me/leave me/cheat on me, despite having no evidence of this.
- In relation to 5, I am being very irrational, and I know it.
- I think I was bullied when I was younger. (It did upset me, but I thought it was “normal”/just teasing)
- I hate the ex for what he’s done, because I can’t get through a week without being frequently triggered.
- Even though I feel like giving up, I can’t. I can’t let people down.
- Sometimes I need to ask for help and people will help if you let them.**
- But not doctors…***
- I have people who care about me here and in real life (and that makes me lucky)
In conclusion, things are not very good in Ellie land, but even though I want to, I can’t give up yet.
*Oo that rhymes!
**I had to ask for an extension for coursework, but they were nice so it’s ok.
***Feeling hopeless about the doctor situation, they can’t seem to do anything to help. If 5 medications haven’t helped, why would a 6th? But I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and give this current one (number 5) another 2 weeks.