Everything is topsy-turvy!
Things I expect to happen just don’t. And things I don’t expect to happen, do!
This week I appear to have entered an alternative reality where several things are different:
1. After having a complete melt-down last Saturday*, I was incredibly surprised (in a good way) to see Shopaholic’s** reaction to me being very upset. I discovered that she actually does care about me, which I never really thought was the case before this. Later this week, Shopaholic also showed very nice loveliness to Footballer**, and has given up living with H** to live with Footballer next year. – In short, I have discovered a caring and thoughtful side to Shopaholic, which I have never seen before.***
2. While standing in the queue for Greggs****, I suddenly heard someone say my name. I turned round to see L**, and we then preceeded to chat, and she showed genuine interest in me/my life, which has never been the case in the past. L is one of the “popular” type girls, so usually doesn’t pay me any attention/only talks to me if I talk to her. I have never had many proper conversations with her, so I was surprised that she actually knew who I was, and some stuff about me. (Maybe I’m not invisible after all!)
3. I feel good!!! This is the biggest and best change from the normal universe. I feel like I can do stuff, and live my life. I feel like I’m going to be ok (and happy eventually) which is a feeling I have lacked for a long time. I no longer feel completely hopeless, AND I’ve been able to socialise – and enjoy it! Last night I went on a society night out, and enjoyed it. I didn’t even mind being in a crowd (in the club) and I didn’t worry throughout the night, I just enjoyed it!
So, whatever’s happening in this weird turn of events, I like it! I’d be very happy to stay here, and although I am beyond confused, I’m not going to question it!
I feel like I can take on the world! I have an incredibly busy life at the moment***** but I don’t mind. I want to do EVERYTHING! I now feel like I am done with being in the background, I want to make myself into someone, instead of being no one (which I always have been.) I feel like I can socialise, I even feel like my year abroad is a good idea!! This is all really good, I just hope and pray that this is it – I’ve got out of my depression, and I’m not going back.
I’m not naive enough to think that that is the case. I am fully expecting something to go drastically wrong soon, but I’m content to just go with it, and see what happens. If the fall comes, it’s going to be really hard, but I’m actually starting to let people in, so IF the fall comes, I WILL have people there to help me.
The only negative thing in this strange world, is that I am very easy to anger at the moment. I get wound up by the smallest thing, and I can be argumentative at the moment, which is unlike me (I’m usually non-confrontational in general!) I’m not sure what’s going on with my mood to be honest, but I’m hoping the anger will settle down. When I get angry I just see red…it doesn’t matter how small the thing is, but it builds up into this rage that I am struggling to keep control of. Having thought about it, I have realised that it is probably due to the unresolved anger I’ve had for years, especially regarding the ex. SO when I get angry, it’s not just the thing I’m angry about, but 4 or 5 years****** of anger which I never really let out. So that’s something I need to deal with through counselling, maybe…. I’m on 2 waiting lists (uni and NHS – fun fun fun) so we will see!
And as a final conclusion to this mish-mash of words, I want to say I am very sorry for my rubbishness at reading people’s blogs recently…It’s not that I don’t want to read them, I have just been so busy! I am hoping to get back on track, I’ve been trying to catch up, so if I haven’t in the next couple of days, I may have to cut my losses and just start from the current time (sorry if this means I miss important posts!!)
P.S WeeGee, do you think I used enough asterisks?*******
*Consisting of getting very drunk off not very much alcohol (that’s what happens when you mix alcohol with 2 antidepressants…) and starting arguments with anyone and everyone, including Mr Map** and Mr Smith**, plus a random guy who kept (purposefully) bumping/shoving into me in the nightclub. I then ran away and was found a few minutes later by Zorro** who very kindly took me home, crying my eyes out (and refusing to get a taxi despite the rain)
**You can find out more about them on my Who I write about page, which I have now updated!
***This is not to say I thought she was a horrible person, more that she wasn’t an (openly) caring person – which turns out not to be true.
****To buy a sausage roll and an iced finger, in case you were wondering! (yum)
***** Out of choice – societies, my degree, the gym, volunteering (when that starts)
*******Did you know, the word “asterisk” comes from Greek ( ἀστερίσκος, asteriskos) and Latin (asteriscus) meaning “little star” 🙂
******I say 4 or 5 years because even though the relationship was 3 years, there was more or less 1 year either side of the relationship where he controlled me.