Disconnected

Trigger warning: talk of suicidal and self harm thoughts.

In case anyone is wondering how I’m doing, it’s not going well. I’m not coping.

I’m still trying to catch up with all the blog posts I missed, but it’s taking a while and my concentration is bad, but I will get up to date soon I hope.

I am not really posting like before because I don’t feel like writing. I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m going through the motions of life, but I’m not living.

I feel lost, empty and so so so tired. I want to give up. I know it’s not an option, but now it’s starting to creep into my mind as an idea. I want out. I want it to be over. Every night I wish that this will be it, the end.

I wake up in the morning (or afternoon quite often) and I ache. I’m still tired. I drag myself out of bed. The willpower it takes is insane. Sometimes I don’t at all. I am coping – to the public eye. I am attending lectures, seminars, meetings, even some socials. But I can’t carry on. I can’t run on nothing forever. I don’t want to do it. None of it. I am taking on lots of things. I know I can’t do it. But I need to. I want to prove I can do it, I am coping, I’m fine – I’m good. But I’m not. It’s all a mask. It’s all pretend. It’s catching up with me. I’m going to drown.

I don’t know if anyone notices. In real life or on here. My blog stats are very low at the moment, I guess that’s because I haven’t been here much. Or maybe no one cares. My friends are clueless. They know I’m “depressed” but I don’t think they even understand what that means. I don’t think they know the extent of how shit and awful I’m feeling. And if they did, I don’t think they’d do anything anyway. How many of my “friends” are real?

I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want someone to tell me to “get over it”, or that “everything’s going to be fine”, and I especially don’t want anyone to tell me “you’re over reacting” or to “man up.”

But I can’t do this by myself. I am so thankful for my amazing boyfriend. Who answers the phone at 1:30am? He does. Who talks to me whenever I’m feeling down, and won’t take “I’m fine” for a response, because he know’s when I’m not? He does. I’m so lucky to have him, it’s just a shame he’s so far away.

I just want to fall asleep tonight and not wake up. I keep thinking about taking my knife and dragging it down my legs and arms. I can’t stop fantasising about the bag of tablets I have downstairs (I’m on 4 medications and just came off 1 so have a lot) but something stops me. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Except me.

I wonder, would he ever find out? If I got my knife again? I’d feel guilty. I’d tell him. He would be sad. He would be angry. And he would be disappointed.

I just can’t believe I’m feeling like this and I’m classed as low suicide risk. Do I have to try and kill myself before anyone will help me? Why don’t they listen?

Sorry about the rant. It’s all mismatched and it doesn’t make sense. It’s disconnected. My brain feels disconnected from the world.

I just sit. Or stand. Not looking at anything, not doing anything. Just there. I switch off. I drift out of conversations. I don’t know what’s going on.

Every time I think I’ve hit my lowest point

I fall further.

Paranoid. Lost. Lonely. Tired. Sad. Empty. Angry. Negative. Hopeless. And it feels like my brain is broken. I can’t think.

Let’s sleep away the pain.

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31 thoughts on “Disconnected

  1. escapingdarkness says:

    I’m not sure what to tell you other than I know how you feel and what you mean about your friends. A couple of mine know and my family know. When I tell my bf he says he is too sometimes, but I do t think he really understands depression. I don’t think attempting suicide would make them any more helpful. It might push some further away. We just need to stay strong as much as we can and keep going. Get support from our community on here. At least you have your bf, even if he is too far away. A nap sound good. Stay strong. Kat

  2. stuff I said says:

    Call your safe person, or therapist and discuss what would be the best course of action for you at this time. (yes I am putting on my Mom pants ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) Not a option, please just do it.

    I/we want you safe and feeling better. xx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thank you Red. I spoke to my boyfriend, he always makes me feel at least a bit better. I am still feeling low today but not quite as bad. I am going to the doctors this week and will tell them things are getting worse. Thank you for your support xx

      • stuff I said says:

        Just know my words come from a place of love and support…even when they may sound a bit pushy. xx Be gentle with you today.

      • anxiouselephant says:

        I understand that ๐Ÿ™‚ And I have had a day of doing nothing, and settling in for an evening of films, wordpress and skype (to parents and boyfriend) Hopefully this will make me feel a bit better and more relaxed xx

  3. Bipolar Wife says:

    My heart hurts for you. I hate that you are going through this. Some days all we can do is struggle painfully through and hope that better days are around the corner. Please get help. *hugs tight*

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thank you for the hugs, and the support. I hope better days are coming soon too! Hopefully I will be able to get some proper help now my referral for the mental health team has come through xx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thank you for your support. The support I get here on WP really means a lot, and there are so many people who do actually understand! xx

      • truthsparked says:

        That’s right, don’t forget that! I almost lost my kids last year because of my depression…so we do know how you feel. Just a bit of sharing for you, because you deserve it. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. wellcallmecrazy says:

    I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. I hope the small amount of support and love I can send to you via the internet helps you hang in there. You are more than your sadness. You are more than your toughest day. You are important and vital to this world. Hang in there. Although it may feel absolutely horrible, this too shall pass.

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thank you for your support. It does help having people like you telling me to hold on and that they care ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Bourbon says:

    I am here, too. I’m sorry you are feeling so desperately low, I genuinely am. I remember being at university, being stuck in my room, so isolated from everyone else because of the depth of low I was feeling. I am really genuinely sorry if I have asked this before, but have you a disability service at your university? At the university I work at they have a mental health mentor who supports students with mental health problems whilst at university…. she helped me out immensely… I wish I could pass her your way right now…. does your university have anything like this? xx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thank you for being there Bourbon, it means a lot to me ๐Ÿ™‚ I think there is a similar service at my university, I know they at least have a counselling service (i saw a counsellor there last year) Maybe I should find out if there is anyone who can help, although when I’m feeling like this I don’t see how anyone could ๐Ÿ˜ฆ What did your mental health mentor do at your university? (if you don’t mind me asking) xx

      • Bourbon says:

        I basically saw her once a week (sometimes twice) for my entire duration of studies. It gave me someone to talk to, like a counsellor, but also someone to discuss academic related stuff with, like if I needed an extension or something. As usual in society you expect there to be a disability office at university for those with learning disabilities/physical disabilities but people don’t realise it is there for those with mental health difficulties too. Other adjustments I had include being able to take my exams in a room by myself to alleviate anxiety. Longer library loans. Stuff like that. xo

      • anxiouselephant says:

        Thanks for the info, I will try and find out if there is anything like this at my university – I guess there will be! xx

  6. aallegoric says:

    Hey, I’m sorry I just didn’t see your post before – sometimes my wordpress is weird and doesn’t show all posts from everyone :/ so I miss these….(also happens with some of Elyn’s and Red’s posts sometimes).
    I hope sleeping helped you a bit (it always helps me) and I guess the only thing I can say is that I’m also here. You also do have my e-mail address and feel free to message me whenever you like! Sending you some safe hugs to Lancaster and thinking of you at 6 in the morning xoxo

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