A brand new start

So tomorrow (well technically it’s today now!) is the first day of my second year of university. I am sad to say that I have to be in at 9am!! :O This means waking up at 7:15 so I can be ready to leave at 8:15 (just in case buses are packed!)

I’m scared terrified.

The what ifs are starting already… What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t keep up? What if I don’t do well? What if I don’t know anyone in my lab class/seminar groups? What if…

I’m fairly sure I’ve taken too much on (again.) At the moment I feel like doing nothing. I stayed in bed until 4:30pm today…
I just want to die at the moment.* I feel like I’ve fallen even further and somehow I’m in this downwards spiral that I can’t climb out of. What am I going to do?

I wanted this year to be so different, a brand new start – turn over a new leaf. I can’t see it changing though. Not now anyway.

I wanted it to be fun. I wanted to do EVERYTHING. I’ve joined a few societies, I was a freshers rep, I’m going to join the gym, I’m on the exec for a society, I was thinking of going for JCR, I wanted a job, and to do volunteering, and to help with cubs…

It’s all too much, it’s just when I feel good I feel like I can do EVERYTHING, and when I feel bad I feel like I can do NOTHING, so really it’s a lose-lose situation. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, but I’m hoping I’ll get a chance to carry on catching up with reading blogs (I’m getting behind again – sorry!) and do some writing (haven’t been doing much of that either – sorry!) I want to write a post of my “new year’s resolutions” – as in new academic year of course!

I just want to be okay. I could deal with that. Happy would be great but maybe asking too much – okay would be a compromise…How about that?

I’m still waiting to hear back from the mental health team up in Lancashire as stupid Doctor Orr gave them my wrong address so I didn’t reply about the appointment, and thus got discharged. Hopefully the waiting list won’t be too long…

Now it’s 12:30am, and I guess I’d better try and get some sleep. Unbelievably, despite only getting up at 4:30pm, I am still tired. Yuck!

*I’m not going to do anything, so no one worry!

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15 thoughts on “A brand new start

  1. aallegoric says:

    So weird that our classes start at the same time although we live in different countries ๐Ÿ˜‰
    I’m sure you’ll be fine. I had the same doubts before my second year started.
    I remember how, really, I shed tears on the first day of my 2nd year because I was just as terrified as you are. Long story cut short: Now I’m perfectly fine. Try not to worry too much about this. Also, there are worse things than not knowing anyone in class, trust me. Though I know how lonely some classes can be… Keep in mind it’s just a couple of hours and they will all pass. You’ll make it. Just keep graduation day in mind ๐Ÿ˜‰
    xoxox

    • anxiouselephant says:

      That is very strange!! I hope your first day of classes went well?
      Thanks for your support, it went much better than I expected, and although I’m reallly tired after spending 13 hours on campus today (will explain this in my next post) it was nice to see friends from last year, and had a nice evening too. Graduation day is a hell of a long way away, but that’s my goal so I’m keeping it in mind!! Take care of yourself Juliet xxxx

  2. bpdajourney says:

    Hey ๐Ÿ™‚ On my first day of 2nd year, 3 weeks ago, I was a complete mess, I was waiting outside the classroom watching everyone else chat to each other, my heart was racing way too fast, I was sweating, physically shaking and almost in tears, just as I was about to give in and go home my lecturer came out and told us all to enter the clasroom, I’m so glad that she came out at that point, because it made me go in, rather than going home and then struggling just as much the next day. I’m not gonna lie, the first hour and a half were hell, I was close to tears near enough the whole time, but then I got chatting and from then on it’s been absolutely fine!! So the moral of the story is- don’t give yourself any oppertunities to leave, because the next day will be even worse if you do, and even if you absolutely hate it to begin with, it will get easier as the day goes on. Hopefully once you restart, you’ll feel more purpose and reason and hopefully the suicidal thoughts will get fewer. I really hope so anyway. Also, this year will change for the better, but not if you truly believe that it won’t. To quote a pretty smart guy – “be the change you want to see in the world”, your world at the moment is university, so be the change you want to happen, don’t just sit back and wait for it to happen. Good luck! Let us know how it goes. ๐Ÿ™‚ Sam

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Hi Sam, thanks for sharing your experiences, I’m glad you stuck it out!! I managed my first day too – although it was busy and tiring I got through and there was nothing to worry about in the end! I hope I’ll have time to write properly soon, the world seems too busy at the moment, and I’m missing blogging often like I did in the holidays! xx

  3. bpshielsy says:

    Hey try not to worry too much about things. I find when I’m busy, taking some time out to make a list of things to do helps. It helps declutter a busy mind & as you complete something from the list tick it off. Just a little exercise that make me feel I’m getting somewhere. Maybe you have taken on a little too much. But if you find you enjoy some of the societies more than others stick with them & leave the others.

    Hope it goes well for you. I loved my years at uni & I hope you do too ๐Ÿ™‚

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