Me vs my brain

I just want to be normal, I want to sort myself out. Why can’t I snap out of this? I am fine.

Stop pretending you need help. Stop trying to make people feel sorry for you. You don’t deserve their pity, their love or comfort, there’s a reason you feel like you do – you are weak.

I’m trying. I’m trying to be ok. I want to be ok. I try to keep a mask on but it’s getting worn out. People are starting to see through it, and I can’t hide anymore. It’s too much, it’s all just too difficult. I’m too tired.

Don’t be so lazy. You are always complaining when other people have it so much worse than you. Just get over it. It’s not hard to function in your boring everyday life is it? It’s not like you have anything special or difficult to do… Your life is just like you, unremarkable. You need to pull yourself together or it will always be like that, you’ll be a nobody, a laughingstock like always. Just like you deserve.

WHY do you haunt me like this? If you would leave my mind maybe I would be okay. Maybe I wouldn’t feel like this about myself and my life. You always put me down. You always make me feel sad, lonely, useless. You give me horrible flashbacks and keep painful memories close by just to crush my spirits. Why do you do this to me? We are supposed to work together, not be enemies.

I just give you what you deserve. You are worthless, you are useless and you’ll never make anything of yourself. People will always look down on you and they will never treat you as equals. Do you know why? Because you are lower than them – you are not their equal. The memories I show you are to remind you what you are. It was your fault these things happened, you should’ve been stronger. You should’ve stopped things going wrong yourself. 

All I want in the whole world is to be happy. Can you just give me a break? I try my best, why is it never ever good enough? Everything is measured based on my academics, that’s not all life is. Why can’t I just be myself, why do I constantly have to strive to be better? To strive to a perfection which probably doesn’t exist?

You are not good enough. You never will be. Academic success is all you’ve ever had, you can’t let it go now.. then you really would be a failure. Just like everyone expects. Why do you think people treat you like they do? It’s because you are a failure, a weak pathetic failure.

Make it stop. Please make it stop.

15 thoughts on “Me vs my brain

  1. aallegoric says:

    If someone, anyone, ever finds a solution, a working solution, for those voices inside our heads… *sigh*
    You know that this voice is wrong. But I know it’s so hard to ignore it / get rid of it.. sending loads of safe hugs up to Lancaster xoxo

    • wellcallmecrazy says:

      I too have lots of voices like this in my head. I have yet to consistently bypass them, but I have had occasional success. This is what works for me and I am not trying to say it is “the answer” for you or anyone else. I force myself to be still ( atmosphere, lighting, distractions, time all come into play here) and detach from my thoughts and voices by becoming an outside observer, almost like I am watching a movie. When I am able to successfully do this, I attain those precious moments of inner peace. Much love to you both.

  2. manicjenn says:

    I’ve always said I feel like there are two people inside my head. Twenty yers before my diagnosis I would say this. One is emotional and the other is rational. They NEVER work together and I totally identify with your post.

  3. WeeGee says:

    Here’s a little hug from me. Try your best to ignore your brain – it’s trying to catch you out. You are none of the things it says you are. Oh and it will stop, one day, you just have to hang on as best you can and keep on talking xx

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