**Possible ED trigger warning**
Up until a few months ago I used to be able to eat anything and I COULDN’T put on weight, no matter what/how much I ate. I took that for granted, it was great – I was thin(ish).
Now, I don’t know if it’s because of my medication, the lack of exercise, or my age, but the weight seems to stay, attached to my body. It’s like a leech – uncomfortable and unwanted, but I can’t get it off!
I am very very short, so a little bit of extra weight shows a lot. My boyfriend says I’m not fat, and really I know that I’m not “fat”, but I’m fatter than I want to be, so to me, that’s fat.
At the moment I’m having eating issues. I either seem to eat nothing or everything. It’s ridiculous, I seem to be completely out of control when I eat. And somehow not eating is so much more appealing. I think it’s the control, the feeling of being hungry and being able to say to myself “no.”
But eventually, I crack. I eat. I eat too much. I feel disgusting. I feel fat. I hate myself. And then the cycle starts again, I’m not eating to punish myself for eating…
Once I get back to uni I hope to sort my eating habits out. If I don’t buy unhealthy food, I can’t eat it. If I buy lots of healthy stuff like fruit and veg, I will eat it. Hopefully I’ll be healthier over all. Also, I’m planning to take up football at uni, and go running (found a running buddy – owl!) and maybe join the gym.
I don’t know if I’m planning to take on too much.. but that’s for another post.
I just want to get back to how I used to be. I ideally want to get down to 7 stone, even though I know that’s not “ideal.” So just over a stone to lose… Wish me luck!! Maybe I can take some inspiration from Vanessa at One Thousand Single Days and her “operation banging body” project!!
Let’s see if I can sort my eating pattern out today!