Food (not so) glorious food

**Possible ED trigger warning**

Up until a few months ago I used to be able to eat anything and I COULDN’T put on weight, no matter what/how much I ate. I took that for granted, it was great – I was thin(ish).

Now, I don’t know if it’s because of my medication, the lack of exercise, or my age, but the weight seems to stay, attached to my body. It’s like a leech – uncomfortable and unwanted, but I can’t get it off!

I am very very short, so a little bit of extra weight shows a lot. My boyfriend says I’m not fat, and really I know that I’m not “fat”, but I’m fatter than I want to be, so to me, that’s fat.

At the moment I’m having eating issues. I either seem to eat nothing or everything. It’s ridiculous, I seem to be completely out of control when I eat. And somehow not eating is so much more appealing. I think it’s the control, the feeling of being hungry and being able to say to myself “no.”

But eventually, I crack. I eat. I eat too much. I feel disgusting. I feel fat. I hate myself. And then the cycle starts again, I’m not eating to punish myself for eating…

Once I get back to uni I hope to sort my eating habits out. If I don’t buy unhealthy food, I can’t eat it. If I buy lots of healthy stuff like fruit and veg, I will eat it. Hopefully I’ll be healthier over all. Also, I’m planning to take up football at uni, and go running (found a running buddy – owl!) and maybe join the gym.

I don’t know if I’m planning to take on too much.. but that’s for another post.

I just want to get back to how I used to be. I ideally want to get down to 7 stone, even though I know that’s not “ideal.” So just over a stone to lose… Wish me luck!! Maybe I can take some inspiration from Vanessa at One Thousand Single Days and her “operation banging body” project!!

Let’s see if I can sort my eating pattern out today!


14 thoughts on “Food (not so) glorious food

  1. aallegoric says:

    Good luck… but you shouldn’t overdo exercising in the beginning. It just gets frustrating very soon otherwise… been there 😉 xx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks, and yes I’m worried about doing that. I am a bit worried about becoming obsessive/addicted to exercise, which happened when I was younger. That’s why I stopped running. But will try to keep a good balance xx

  2. Bourbon says:

    I need to take a leaf out of your book…. Sitting here groaning at how much weight I’ve put on in the last year or so yet having no energy to do anything about it (thanks depression). Plus that little niggle at the back of my head: once I start, will I be able to stop, or will I fall back into the anorexia again? Good luck with your plans xxx

  3. Jasmine says:

    It’s (at least partly) a uni thing, I think. Nobody seems to escape the inevitable first-year weight gain. Uni lifestyle just isn’t a healthy one. Again, a lot of thoughts here I remember from around the same time in my life. It does get better xx
    (of course my comment comes three months after your post, so maybe it already has got better :-))

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Well last year I didn’t seem to gain weight, but this year I have definitely, and I think it’s mainly due to the antidepressants I’m on (that is a common side effect) And thanks – I hope it gets better! 🙂 xx

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