A letter I will Never Send

Dear Ex,

I will never be able to fully forgive you for what you put me through. As a way to try and make myself better I’m trying to forgive you, to let it all go. But everywhere I go, stuff reminds me of the pain you put me through. I get flashbacks of the things you said and did. I can’t deal with anyone telling me what to do because you controlled me so much and I don’t ever want anyone to do that again.

My anxiety levels are ridiculous. I’m constantly worried that something terrible is going to happen. This is your fault, not mine. I’m sick of your excuses and the way you made me feel like everything was my fault.

I lived a life in fear. I didn’t have “free will” because you dictated everything that I did. I lost a bunch of friends because I wasn’t allowed to see them. You deny this because most of the times you didn’t say the words “you can’t see your friends.” But you threatened me: if I didn’t see you, you would leave me. If I didn’t do what you wanted, you would tell everyone my secrets.

The physical pain was bad enough. I can deal with it though. I know you have a bad temper, I also know you are far tooย stubbornย to admit that, or to get anger management. I still remember everything. I get flashbacks frequently. Like when I walk along that road where you held me against the wall, or sometimes when I’m in my room I remember that horrible new years eve. I thought you were going to kill me that night. I was 10 minutes late out of work, that’s it. That’s all I did wrong. And it wasn’t my fault…we leave work when our managers say so.

The emotional pain is what’s worse though. You really have messed me up. Thanks for that. You put me through hell. I finally got away, moved to the other end of the country, and you still continued to carry on hurting me. Texts and phone calls. I was constantly scared you were going to show up in my life again. You made me feel like I had gone mad. You told M that I was lying. You told her I was crazy and obsessive. That really hurt, and eventually I started to think…did I make this up? Was it all my fault?

I’ve given you a lot of chances since we split up. Once M left you, you wanted to be friends again. You said that you still loved me, and that you needed me in your life. I’m an idiot so I listened, gave you “one more chance” over and over again. I wanted to help you. It’s hard seeing someone you used to love fall apart.

Every time, you managed to mess it up. You made me so angry, and I felt so worthless. I still do. Now, you think things are fine between us. You text me saying “hey, you ok?” every few days and to you that means everything’s fine? I met up with you once this summer. I wanted to stop this pain, I wanted closure, I guess.

You took it as us being friends, you keep asking me when I’m going to come and meet you for coffee again. The truth is, I don’t want to. I don’t want to be friends, I don’t even want you in my life. You say you miss me, well I don’t miss you. There’s “too much water under the bridge” as they say. And we don’t have much in common anyway.

I might meet up with you one more time. Once more, because there’s stuff I need to say. About how you controlled me and didn’t let me be myself. About how you never gave me the decisions, it was always you. And about that one thing that still reduces me to tears most days, which you never want to talk about.

So now you know. Except you don’t, because I won’t send this. I just want a fresh start, where you aren’t there. I tried to forgive you, I really did. I’ve tried giving you chance after chance. You’re right, this time you haven’t messed it up…yet. But so many times you have, how am I possibly meant to trust you?

I feel bad for wanting to walk away completely. You were my life for 3 years, and I still find myself wishing I had never met you. All you did was cause trouble and pain. I’m just relieved that I’m not with you anymore. Strangely enough, even though it triggered my depression majorly, splitting up with me was the best thing you ever did for me.

So there we have it. A letter to say all the things I don’t say. All the feelings I have. You said “I know you still love me”, quite a while ago. I’m happy to tell you that I am now 100% certain that that is not true. I still care, but that’s just the kind of person I am, but I don’t love you. I don’t need you anymore. I’m going to be stronger without you.

I’m not your property anymore,

From Me.

20 thoughts on “A letter I will Never Send

  1. My Mental Stream says:

    Writing this all out is great progress. Well done. You were never his property, you were always a free woman, and you still are now. Keep smiling and keep writing, you are a strong and empowered individual ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. buckwheatsrisk says:

    Bring it!!! He is through and through narcissist/sociopath! You described about him all the things they do. What strength you have to stay away! They are nice only to draw you back into their widow’s web and get what they want, not because they love you. This was my father as well.
    i hope you are doing okay after blogging this. lots of love

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