So today was the dreaded appointment with MIND. I was nervous, irritable and on edge beforehand. I planned to leave early so that I would arrive early. In the end, I wasn’t early, but I wasn’t late either so it was ok.
My boyfriend had agreed to come with me as I was nervous about it. He said I shouldn’t worry, and as we walked up the road to the MIND centre he held my hand and I felt a little better. We arrived and went round the side of the building to the side door as it had said on the letter.
I pressed the button marked “counselling”, and told the woman who answered my name. We went up the stairs, and then were asked to sit down. The woman came back and gave me that horrible questionnaire which I have filled in about A MILLION times! (You know, the one that says give a number on a scale of 0 – 5, “I have felt depressed and hopeless”, “I have felt scared, as if something awful might happen” etc.)
So I filled it in, again.
Then she came back, and asked me to come with her to another room.
We sat down, and she started to ask me a lot of questions…
They started off easy: “What is the address of your GP?”, “GP’s name?”, “Medications?”, “how long has it been like this?”, “Have you had counselling before?” etc
I told her about my counselling at uni, and the CBT, but it hadn’t been for long so it didn’t help me. Then the questions started to get harder, and I was struggling to answer some of them. Memories and issues from my past started being discussed and I felt even more anxious and hopeless.
I haven’t been able to talk about everything on here yet. I feel that I may be judged. I know a major source of my depression, although I don’t think it is the only source. Not many people from my “real life” know, and like I said, I’m scared to write about it here, but I have told my doctors, counsellors etc because I do think it’s related, so not mentioning it would be stopping myself from getting help.
This topic came up quite a bit, and the woman seemed to think it was definitely linked to my depression, but she also (somehow) managed to make me feel even worse about the “secret” than I already did.
The woman said it seems that I might have a fear of success… I was quite baffled by this. And I said so. I know I have a massive fear of failure, but a fear of success?? This seemed a strange idea to me!
She said I seem to “rubbish my success”… As I had described my feelings after I got a first for my first year of university, putting myself down. I had thoughts such as: “I don’t deserve it”, “It was just luck”, “I won’t be able to get the same grades again next year…”
I am still not sure that this qualifies as a “fear of success”, and the things she was saying didn’t really seem to connect to me… She said that when I go out with friends and find myself enjoying myself, and then I get anxious, it is because I am “scared of success” and so sabotage my fun…
That isn’t what I was trying to put across at all…more that I rarely enjoy things, and when I do it’s only for a short time, and is often overshadowed by anxiety. What do you think? Maybe I dismissed her opinion too quickly, however I didn’t feel like she understood me or what I was trying to say.
By the time it got to the end of the 50 minutes, I had been reduced to tears several times and was anxious to get out of there!
We established that there is nothing they can do to help me. Again, I am caught in the problem of being a student the other end of the country to where I live… I am not here (London) long enough to see anyone for 15 weeks (the number of weeks for Mind counselling), but I am also not at uni long enough for it either…
It ended up with me feeling more hopeless than I had done before the session…
What am I going to do now?
How am I ever going to get better when I can’t seem to get any help?
Over all, it was not a huge success, however I am going to try and focus on the positives:
1. I gave it a go – no “what ifs” to worry about now
2. I am going to see the psychiatrist next week, maybe it will be more useful
3. The woman did seem to think counselling could help, so if I can see someone whilst at uni it could help
4. I managed to speak to the counsellor about difficult issues which are hard to speak about.
So now I’m waiting for next week, hoping that it will be more useful and successful…wish me luck!