Expectations

**Trigger warning:  generally negative stuff**

It feels like a huge weight on my shoulders. I can’t let anyone down. It doesn’t matter who they are, or how big or small the expectation is…I can’t fail, I can’t let them down. They will judge me, hate me, leave me alone. These are the things my mind tells me.

Rationally, I know these are not true. I am very lucky; the people in my life are all (generally) very supportive. They are there for me, and they just want me to do my best. There’s only one person in my life who leaves no room for errors, who is a perfectionist when it comes to tasks. Only one person would call me a failure if I got a B, who would say “well why wasn’t it an A?” and who would be angry and hate me. There is only one person who expects me to “pull myself together” all the time, turn up to every commitment and do the “expected thing.” She is critical over everything I do: how I dress, how I look, what I do. Everything has to be 100% perfect. She judges every mistake harshly, and tells me “you’ve let people down”, “no one wants you here,” “no one cares”, and “you’re useless, you should just die.”

There is only one person in my life who does all of this, and that’s me.

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17 thoughts on “Expectations

  1. overthinkingmind says:

    Whilst reading this I was just itching to ask who this person was! In a way I was really happy it was you because if it was someone else, well, why on earth do you have them around? If it’s you motivation can be great but remember that no one is perfect and you need to remember to congratulate yourself and remember the things you are great at! Lovely post 🙂

  2. aallegoric says:

    I once read that depression is anger and blaming oneself for things that happened. I don’t know if it’s true but when I first told my shrink “I hate myself” … it was just true. And I mean.. why do we have these negative thoughts? I don’t know your answer to that in your case… but I guess you don’t like yourself very much … I conclude that much from reading your post.
    Even though you probably don’t want to hear this or don’t want to appreciate this because you don’t agree I still say it: There is no reason to hate yourself. You’re a good person and you should be good to yourself.
    xx

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Thanks for your comment. I think that it’s true that I blame myself for things that have happened, and you’re right I don’t like myself very much at all. Thank you for your kind comment, I hope one day I will begin to believe the nice things. xx

  3. My Mental Stream says:

    I identify with this more than I can put into words. You are a good person, I like to think we are all inherently good. Your blog shows me a glimpse of you, and that is a good person I see. Smile, and have a virtual huggle **huggle** 🙂

  4. Brandon Bored says:

    I’m also a perfectionist but, I’m slowly learning to accept that I can be satisfied with my personal best, even if it’s ‘not perfect’.

    Everyone has a different view of ‘perfection’. Yours will be different to mine and probably anyone else you have and will have ever come in to contact with. That’s what makes us all different; every one of us unique – it’s our own personal excellence. 🙂

  5. thehurtfactory says:

    Hi Nellie (the Elephant…)
    It makes me sad that so many people hate themselves (myself at times included), and thus sad to read this post. But so many people feel this way, and half the battle can be to accept that feeling this way is common – you are not ‘specially’ messed up, you’re just like most people. Be forgiving of this, don’t waste energy fighting off this ‘negative self’, embrace it instead. I’m not saying enjoy the misery! Only that you say ‘welcome friend’ when the negative thoughts come, and smile at them. See them as ‘thoughts who need help’, and do what you can for them. This takes their fire away and can stop them plaguing you, because you calm them instead of feeding them.
    I hope you find peace and wish you love and light on your journey.
    THF

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