**Trigger warning: generally negative stuff**
It feels like a huge weight on my shoulders. I can’t let anyone down. It doesn’t matter who they are, or how big or small the expectation is…I can’t fail, I can’t let them down. They will judge me, hate me, leave me alone. These are the things my mind tells me.
Rationally, I know these are not true. I am very lucky; the people in my life are all (generally) very supportive. They are there for me, and they just want me to do my best. There’s only one person in my life who leaves no room for errors, who is a perfectionist when it comes to tasks. Only one person would call me a failure if I got a B, who would say “well why wasn’t it an A?” and who would be angry and hate me. There is only one person who expects me to “pull myself together” all the time, turn up to every commitment and do the “expected thing.” She is critical over everything I do: how I dress, how I look, what I do. Everything has to be 100% perfect. She judges every mistake harshly, and tells me “you’ve let people down”, “no one wants you here,” “no one cares”, and “you’re useless, you should just die.”
There is only one person in my life who does all of this, and that’s me.