** Warning: Possible trigger post **( Talks about suicidal thoughts and general negativity)
I often over react. I hate it. I know it’s stupid but I can’t help it, I just panic over stupid, little things that I shouldn’t worry about.
Today I felt like I was having a good day. Well, an ok day anyway. And then I got a letter. It was about some training I need to do for being a cub leader. As I read the letter I realised in horror what I had done…
I had double booked myself. I agreed to do the training ages ago. I even put a reminder in the calendar on my phone, 19th September, 7pm. But 19th September is also the evening I am going to see Michael McIntyre live, in Birmingham.
I went into complete panic. “why do I always f- everything up!?” and threw the letter down, and ran upstairs. I went into my room, slammed the door shut. I was so angry – shaking with anger, crying with disappointment at myself. How could I be such an idiot? Why am I such a failure? Why can’t I do anything right?
I lay on my bed crying uncontrollably, unable to think of a solution. Then I got really angry with myself, I began hitting myself, scratching my arms with my nails. I had a huge huge urge, almost a need to cut myself. I wanted to die. And all this from one stupid, little, insignificant mistake?
I could not get hold of my emotions for almost an hour. I went back and forth between sheer anger, and wishing I could die. I went through ideas in my head: I have enough tablets to kill me I think, should I do it? Or shall I go out and drive, and crash the car with no seat belt on? A bridge to jump off became very appealing, or even just cutting myself until I bleed to death? I deserve the pain, I told myself, I deserve to suffer because I am a failure.
Thankfully I managed to calm myself down eventually. Still crying, I went back downstairs to my parents so that I wasn’t alone. I was still feeling really bad, but had regained enough control over my emotions to know that being alone was not safe for me, and right now, suicide was not the answer.
I spoke to my parents. I didn’t want to let anyone down, but my dad said to email the lady who runs the training and tell her I had double booked and ask when an alternative will be. It’s a simple and obvious solution, yet at the time I couldn’t see it. I emailed the lady and everything was fine, I will probably do the training in the Christmas holidays.
All that panic, all that worry over nothing.
I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like my emotions are completely out of control and I don’t know how to deal with that.
I am feeling ok now. Much better, and the situation has been sorted so I am trying to stop myself from worrying about it anymore.
Today has been strange; ups and downs, and scary over reactions.