I’ve realised that my anxiety is probably worse than ever. This is not good. The smallest thing sets me off, and I’m embarrassed of my reactions, which probably makes the anxiety worse. It’s just another cycle to try and break out of.
Last night I was at my boyfriend’s house, and he had a few friends round (including some of mine). It was all going fine, until I got tired so decided to go to bed.
I could hear the others outside talking, laughing and having a good time (it was a lovely warm evening). I couldn’t sleep even though I was tired. I started feeling very very low. I felt like I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I scratched my arms with my nails to try and calm me down. It didn’t.
Then my boyfriend’s brother got angry about the noise and they argued. I hate arguments. I hate conflict. I hate people being angry and shouting. I went into panic; hyperventilating and crying my eyes out. I hid in the shower. And that’s where my boyfriend found me – curled up crying in the shower. He made me feel a bit better by hugging me but I was very shaken up. I don’t think this is a normal reaction.
I really just want some help.
But nothing I’ve tried helps,
And no one can really do anything to help,
So what do I do now?
Everything feels out of control, and I don’t like it.