Hogwarts Castle

Feelings of Failure

It’s days like this when the depression really gets to me. It’s like a domino effect, one thing happens, which leads to certain thoughts, which lead to certain feelings, which lead to certain behaviours, and the cycle goes on…

I had to be up early this morning. I had a doctors appointment at 9:10 am, sadly, I woke up at 9:30 am (after snoozing the alarm WAY too many times), which (obviously) was far too late. This then got me thinking things like:

“I can’t even get a doctors appointment right”

“I’m so useless, I don’t deserve their time anyway”

“I’ve wasted their time so now they won’t want to help me”

“I never do anything right. I’m so stupid” etc.

All because I overslept.

After that I was convinced everything would go wrong today. I went back to bed after calling the doctors. I felt achy and tired. I couldn’t be bothered to put my happy face on.

From having a few sessions of CBT with a counsellor, I thought I would try to use some of those skills, however this backfired. Massively… My counsellor would tell me to find evidence to back up a point (meant to be used in a positive way), however this morning I was not feeling even slightly positive, and so used missing my appointment as evidence for me being a failure. Depression – 1, Elephant – 0.

But…I had to.

Today was an event which had been planned AGES AGO, something I was (perhaps embarrassingly) actually quite excited about – yes I know, excitement is quite rare for me!

I was going to the Harry Potter studio tour with one of my friends (we shall call her Sheep as that is her fav animal), and as a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go and see how the films were made. We had decided to make a day of it and go for shopping and lunch beforehand, so I couldn’t sleep in too late.

At 10.55am my alarm went off again. SNOOZE.

At 11am my alarm went off. SNOOZE

At 11.05am my alarm went off…and guess what, I got up. (Depression – 1, Elephant – 1)

I said to myself: “I am NOT going to let one mistake ruin this day.”

Sheep is going to live in Germany for a year next week, so I won’t see her much. I was determined now that I was going to have a good day, a lovely day with Sheep.

And guess what? I DID. Elephant – 2, Depression – 1

Just as a side note, if you’re ever in the vicinity of London, the Harry Potter Studio Tour in Watford is a MUST for HP fans. Here’s the website: http://www.wbstudiotour.co.uk

(It genuinely was fantastic, and it must be if I can say that when my emotions are usually pretty negative at the moment)

Here is a photo of Hogwarts which is used in the film 😀

 

Hogwarts Castle

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12 thoughts on “Feelings of Failure

    • anxiouselephant says:

      Yeah I’m not convinced by CBT either, although a lot of people seem to find it useful. But I’m being referred somewhere else when I get back to uni so fingers crossed something will help soon! If you don’t mind me asking, what are you using now?

      • buckwheatsrisk says:

        i don’t mind at all. the first thing that was life changing for me was called Somatic Experiencing. i was working with a therapist before i moved, with this she said there is no way that CBT helps with trauma abuse victims to start with…you can’t know the relief for me when she said that!! Now because I can’t find someone who does Somatic where I live now I am working with a therapist who does OEI and EMDR and it is extremely intense..I would recommend Somatic first…it got me to a place where I think I can handle the others…I will say they all work if one is willing to do it…it means feeling the pain to it’s full intensity especially with the later two…EMDR being the most intense

      • anxiouselephant says:

        Thanks for your reply – I might type these into Google. I’m glad that you’ve found something useful! And yes I can imagine it would’ve been a relief to be told that CBT wouldn’t help for you anyway, as it’s very frustrating when you can’t seem to make something work for you that works for other people. CBT should work for me (according to my doctor), as my depression and anxiety don’t have an initiating event such as abuse, but we shall see what the next person says! Good luck with your therapy, keep going and hopefully things will improve 😀

  1. meandanxiety says:

    I’m so glad you went there! I went about a month ago (it’s not too far from where I live) I almost didn’t go because I was panicking about my toilet phobia. However, I was pleased to see there were lots of bathrooms! 🙂 did you enjoy it?

  2. aallegoric says:

    I’ve had this happen to me so often. Oversleeping, that is. Got into trouble at university, etc.. but I’m glad you managed this one and met with your friend!

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