Ramblings of a sad person

(Just to warn you, this is a long and rambling post with no particular point. I just needed to get this out)

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I try to remember how lucky I am to have the life I have. I have a great family, great friends, a safe and happy place to live, a job I like etc etc.

But when I get in a mood like I am today, none of that matters. In fact, that probably makes things worse because I feel so guilty, so ungrateful that I am unhappy when I have so much.

Today I feel very low, lost and lonely. I know that when I am over tired, I feel worse. I know that at the moment I am over tired.

But I have this pent up energy inside me – a negative energy, that I don’t know how to release. I feel so angry, so much pain and a lot of sadness. I feel frustrated about small things that don’t matter, but most of all I am angry with myself. I hate myself for not being ok. I hate myself for being depressed when I have such a good life. I hate myself and feel embarrassed that 9 months after the break up I’m still sitting on my bedroom floor crying tonight.

I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to need anyone but I feel so stuck. I know I need to learn to be happy in myself. I know that there are actually times when I feel quite good. I know this will pass.

I know all of this but none of it helps.

I know that what I really need is a good nights sleep and to wake up refreshed tomorrow. I also know that when I feel like this, the chance of that happening is slim to none.

I am trying to distract myself. I did a mindfulness meditation, it actually helped a bit but now the crying has started and there’s no end in sight!

The people I usually talk to when I’m feeling really down are on holiday at the moment, and I don’t want to bother them while they’re away.

I wrote in my journal which helped a bit but I don’t know how to stop. So here I am typing away on my phone. Writing a post of rambling that I don’t know if I’ll post.

Sometimes letting it all out helps. Maybe I needed a cry. Maybe things have been bubbling for too long and the pressure has built up and needed to be released.

I have also had 3 or 4 weeks without a therapy session. My next one is Wednesday, so not long to go.

I want to be ok. I want to have my shit together. I want to be over the break up. I want to be positive, look forward to the future and appreciate all the good.

Tomorrow is new week, a new day. Let’s hope for a good one!

Love,

Ellie xx

Friday night

Friday night, sat at home, on my own.

This is a familiar scene now. Somehow Friday evenings are the worst. That’s the time I feel lonely. I put a series on the tv and I’ve spent the evening half watching, half focusing on colouring.

Colouring is so therapeutic. Something to concentrate on. Watching TV helps too, it draws me in.

But then I get to the end of the last episode and it’s suddenly so quiet. Lonely. Alone.

Safety net

Scared of being alone,

Missing the way you smile

And how you touched my hair

Wanting to be in your arms,

To be in my safe place with you.

Safety has gone now, I miss him. (I just re-read that sentence, when I wrote ‘him’, I meant S, but saying I miss safety and that S was safety to me is just as true.) I am doing ok most of the time but sometimes I get an overwhelming wave of sadness. Today it was while I drove home from work, tears streamed down my face. No trigger, just the feeling of loneliness, emptiness. I know that it is for the best, I would never have ‘grown up’ and taken responsibility for my own wellbeing if he didn’t leave me.

I am trying to take control of my life now; I made a bucket list for 2018, I have started my CBT for fatigue (will write a post on that soon), I am focusing on the amazing friends and family I do have and even reconnecting with some old friends. I am really trying my best but it’s hard because I am terrified that I will always be on my own.

I miss S and our stupid in-jokes and the stupid names we called each other. I miss lying in bed cuddling while we watched a film and feeling safer than I have ever felt. I can’t imagine getting that feeling again.

I am 24 and I know that is young and there’s time to meet someone, I know it doesn’t mean I will be on my own for the rest of my life, but I didn’t plan for this – I couldn’t have planned for this. My plans and expectations for the next few years down the drain – hopes of moving out and buying a property *flush*, hopes of marriage and children *flush* hopes of safety and love *flush*

Seeing other people with long term relationships is hard, I have hit the age where people are starting to move in together/buy a place together or get engaged/married. It just reminds me what I’ve lost and makes me panic that it’s going to be too late for me. I know it’s silly but that’s how my brain goes.

He was my safety net in so many ways, and now he’s not there, free-fall is a terrifying prospect. But what if I don’t fall? What if I can fly instead?

Love,

Ellie xx

Therapy

I had a therapy session yesterday, the first one for about 4 weeks because I was away and then she was away. Since I last saw her, a lot has happened – I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I went sky diving, my anxiety has got worse, my depression has got worse etc etc. 

It was good to talk. It was good to be completely honest and open instead of wondering and worrying about how she would react, what she would think of me. I’m glad and I know I’m lucky that I have reached this feeling of trust with my therapist. I don’t filter my words and thoughts in that room. There’s no expectation. I told her I’m feeling rubbish. I feel low, lonely, angry, disappointed, hopeless…. all of this negativity. And she doesn’t tell me I should be grateful for what I have or tell me it’s going to be ok. She sits with me in the shit and she’s just there, listening, understanding. 

After last nights session, I had the best sleep I’ve had in probably about a month (coincidence, I think not!) I felt a sense of relief, an ability to breathe properly when I left. I needed to get things out. 

I cried and it was hard. And I named difficult things which I didn’t used to be able to do. I used to clam up and not be able to talk when things were hard, but now I can say them even if it’s through tears. 

Without a doubt I know therapy has helped me massively, and it still is. I can see that I have made a lot of progress, and even though my mood has done a nosedive since May and is showing no signs of improving, it helps to talk about it, and I’m not in the dark place I once was. 

I am currently en route to the middle of nowhere for my hike, so won’t be writing for a few days. When I get back I’m going to write a series of blog posts on things that help. (One of them will be on bullet journals, I imagine I’ll write one on therapy at some point.) I’ve already started writing the posts so I’m excited to share my experiences with you, and hoping maybe some of the ideas will help others too. 

Love,

Ellie xx

Flat

That’s how I’d describe how I feel right now: flat.

I hate this. Everytime I think it’s all going well, it always comes and gets me. But this time I’ve been feeling pretty good most of the time for a few months instead of a few days or weeks. I was starting to think that when I get back from Germany in May, I might be able to come off my antidepressants, I was thinking it’s all in the past.

But now I just feel this massive flat emptiness again and it’s horrible. It’s a mixture of feeling lonely, sad and like there’s no point in anything. It’s a time when I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be with people. Massive contradiction I know.

I just feel exhausted. Completely and utterly unable to get out of this one. It’s only been a few days, I know it will pass. I’ve been lower before, and I got through it. But it’s always hard at the time.

And I don’t have a reason for this. I just feel blah. And I feel so hopelessly bored, even though I have many things that I should or could be doing. I just don’t have the drive to do any of it – lesson plans, starting my essays for uni, even writing my year abroad blog, I just can’t get the motivation to do any of it.

I’m hoping it’ll pass fairly soon, especially with Christmas coming up. I think it’s a bit to do with stress as well – I’ve only got a week until I go home, and after that it’ll be less than a week til Christmas, and I haven’t finished my Christmas shopping, and everyone is trying to make all these plans and there’s just never enough time. I want time to just be.

Well I had that today, I’ve spent the whole day here doing nothing useful… hours of watching TV (well online catch ups) But I was meant to have plans… I was meant to meet a friend earlier, and that fell through. And I was meant to be going out tonight with some of the girls, and that fell through too… That probably added to the feeling of blahness too. Although it’s probably a good thing I’m not going out, I’m knackered as it is and haven’t even done anything!

Time for an early-ish night and hope for a better tomorrow. I’m meeting up with a friend so that should be nice, I hope I’m feeling a bit better so I can actually enjoy it!

Long distance

Sometimes long distance relationships can be really hard. Recently things have not been great with S and I, and this was definitely not helped by the distance and the time difference (even though it’s only one hour, it makes a difference when he works into the evenings.)

But he came to visit for a few days and I was really nervous. I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to fix the problems that had developed, I was worried that it was going to be over. And I knew that if we split up, things would never be the same again. I mean, we could be friends, but we’d never have the friendship we had before our relationship, and I would miss that a lot.

So we talked. And we listened to each other. It sounds simple but sometimes people forget to communicate properly, and then it gets to the point that you only hear what you expect to hear, and you interpret it in ways that aren’t always right.

So we talked, we explained what had been going on. I explained that I’m lonely here, that no one from home seems to have time for me anymore, and that I don’t know many people here. He saw my town, and that there’s really not a lot to do here. And he explained that he needs some space, and it feels like I’m always nagging him and waiting for him to reply. It’s difficult because in England we phone each other a lot, for example he often rings me on the way to or from work, whereas now we can’t phone because it would cost too much. We use Whatsapp to text, but it’s not the same, and often arguments are caused by misunderstandings about texts… you can’t convey tone, sarcasm etc over text message.

I think we just expected it to work. It was fine when I was in Lancaster, so why wouldn’t it be when I’m in Germany? I’m still away, no difference. But there is a difference, and it’s harder than we expected. And it needs work, we can’t just bob along without putting effort into it.

I feel so much better now that we’ve talked about everything and sorted things out. I had such a lovely few days with S, going to see different things (including Christmas markets which are always fun!!) and it was like none of the arguments had happened. I feel like he does love me, and that is a pretty big step, as before I always felt like it wasn’t true.

Basically, things were bad, and now they’re good. I hope we’ll be better at keeping things good now, because I’ve still got quite a few months left out here. I will be home for Christmas, but then probably not again until Easter.

Since S went home, I haven’t been sleeping as well. I think I feel safe when I sleep next to him because he always hugs me, and now I’m on my own again I’m missing that. Had some horrible nightmares too, relating to the ex. Hopefully it’ll all die down soon, because I don’t want to have to deal with nightmares and sleepless nights, I’ve got a life to live here!!

Now off to do some German work about the passive tense… Lucky me!

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx

CBT: Get up and get out!

No don’t worry – these were not words said by my therapist to me (or vice versa.) Yesterday I was feeling pretty down and really didn’t feel like doing anything. But my appointment was at 2pm, so having finally dragged myself up at about 1, I called a taxi and went to my CBT session.

And I’m glad I did, I felt a bit better afterwards. And once you’re up and about, things normally feel a bit better. If I stay in bed hiding all day, what have I achieved? Nothing. But by getting up and out and going to CBT, I have (hopefully) helped myself a bit. So that’s the advice: Get up and get out! 

I was pretty tearful in my CBT session yesterday – the realisation that it’s coming to an end is scaring me. Then I have to cope by myself!! I have 2 more sessions left, then I’m back home in London until September, and then the big move to Germany – eek! The fact that I won’t have A to speak to anymore is a bit scary, especially because I think the CBT is helping, but there’s still a lot that hasn’t been dealt with.

A said there are some things I am still not ready to deal with. She said in the future I will be and then I can have some counselling/therapy to help me deal with it. She said when I get back to Lancaster I can get re-referred if I need to.

A gave me another CD with some guided mindfulness meditations on it. There is one called Mindful sitting practise and one called 3 minute breathing space. I’ll write about these sometime this week when I’ve done them a few times.

We talked about the way the mind works (according to CBT.) We have the situation or event and the emotion/feeling, but inbetween there is the thought which triggers the emotion. So I am working on spotting the thoughts and seeing – is this a fact or a thought? This is of course easier said than done, but it’s work in progress.

We talked about my insecurity and constant fear about S leaving me. This is rational to some extent because my previous experience (with the ex) has shown me that people can leave me. However, this does not mean everyone will leave me, and it does not mean I am not good enough (which is the thought that goes with the event: ex leaving me and the feeling: depressed/lonely/scared.)

A has asked me to write down how I am feeling each half day, and more importantly the negative thoughts that come with the feelings. Then I can look at them and say – fact or thought? Do I have any evidence of this? The chances are, probably not!

The other thing I am meant to look at this week are when I have these thoughts that S is going to leave me. We have established that seeking reassurance doesn’t really help… it may help for a brief moment, but soon afterwards, the thoughts will be back. And I know they must be irritating for S, to constantly reassure me that he’s not going anywhere, he’s not going to hurt me, and yes he does love me. So the aim here is to identify these thoughts and look at them without engaging with them. Using mindfulness, the idea is to see the thoughts as thoughts (and not facts), not engage with them, and ignore them. But baby steps – this week I’ve just got to identify them as early as possible.

A used the analogy of the “thought train”… so once the thought comes into mind, it starts a trail of destruction, with each thought encouraging the next, until I’m in a massive negative spiral and I truly believe that S is going to leave me because I’m just not good enough. So instead of this, I should try to identify the thoughts early and get off the thought train. Another analogy was “putting on the same DVD”, so once you have had the thought (put the DVD on), the same thing happens (the same DVD plays) and it results in the same behaviour and feelings each time. So instead of letting the same thing play out each time, it is better to catch the thought early, and throw away that DVD 😉

Anyway, enough about DVDs and trains… me thinks this is more progress.

Oh – and A said she thinks if I use the mindfulness stuff we are learning and use the book I have bought (The Mindful Way Through Depression), I will be ok in Germany without any therapy. I hope she’s right! But I have my blog too, which I think is therapy in itself!

Today is one of those days where hiding

Today is one of those days where hiding under my duvet seems like the most appealing thing to do. I am tired, aching (from climbing) and feeling pretty down. And I woke up with a migraine today (again), it’s gone now but they always leave me feeling exhausted.

My last exam is tomorrow and I don’t even have the motivation to revise. Even though this is potentially the most important exam – I need to know German because I’m about to move to Germany! 

I just feel really down and empty. I want to talk to S but I can’t because he’s at work. I can’t even call my parents because they are on holiday (in my favourite place ever, might I add!) 

I just don’t feel like doing anything at all, least of all revision.

There comes a point when I’m reading through my notes and thinking why the hell didn’t I try and learn this as I went along?! I think that’s a common thing for a student to think, we all do it every year, and every year we say “next year I’ll learn it as I go along”, and then next year comes along and we do the same thing again…

But with a language it’s important to learn as you go along. There’s no point in trying to learn a year’s worth of vocab and grammar now… that’s just not going to happen. All I can do now is hope that I know more than I think I know, and that somehow it will come back to me in the exam. It’s times like this that I question why the hell I am studying a language at university, and it’s times likes this when I realise how little work I did this year, and how terrible I felt for most of the year (which meant I did probably less than the bare minimum.)

Now I really must get back to revision, and cram some more information into my tired brain.

(Sorry about the repetitive moaning about revision – Tomorrow evening I will have finished exams so you won’t have to read my moaning about revision for quite a while!)

Lots of love,

Ellie xxx 

Fragments of who I am

I’m sick of being the weak one.

I always was. I still am.

I was that kid that always cried in school. The one that was over-sensitive. I learned that I was worth nothing and that was reinforced over and over. I’ll never be good enough for any of you will I?

And they wonder why I have no self-esteem, they wonder why I doubt myself so much.

I wonder whether I was depressed as a child. I can remember going to help out in reception at lunchtime sometimes, because I wanted to get away from the ones who always teased me. But it’s just teasing right?

And people always choose other people over me. I’m sick of being second best. Not even second best, the last alternative.

Feeling pretty low today. Because sitting here and moaning is really going to help me pass my German exam… 

Failure. Disappointment. Lonely. Lost. Scared. Pathetic. Hurt. Anxious. Sad. Broken. Weak. Useless. Fake. Nothing. That’s me.

(Sorry about the fragmented post. It doesn’t make sense)

People

I’ve come to the conclusion that people are just shit.

Not all of them, but a large amount of them.

People just let me down. They expect me to be there for them and then just drop me. I’m always the one being walked all over. And I always just take it.They clearly don’t give a shit so why do I? And I let the same people do it over and over again.

Take the ex for example, the biggest example of someone who has walked all over me. But there’s others too. 

Tonight I went out for Shopaholic’s birthday. I feel like crap. I didn’t want to go out, but I went, because I’m a decent friend and I didn’t want to let her down, because it was the right thing to do. Even though I felt like crap, even though I felt ill and tired and couldn’t think of many things worse than going to a bar with loud music and flashing lights. But I went anyway. As usual, as soon as anyone else was around, I was ignored. And then she got upset because her ex had basically told her that nothing is going to happen with them again. She asked me to come to the toilet with her, and of course I did. I told her it’s going to be ok and he’s not worth it and all the other stuff you’re meant to say. And then, on the way out of the toilets she bumped into another friend. Clearly a better friend, and was like “I’ll meet you outside” to me. Don’t worry about me, I’ll just go and wait until I’m needed again shall I?

I’m fed up of people only “caring” when they need or want something. Sadly that is what a lot of people seem to be like. And I must have the word “mug” written on my face or something, because I encounter a ridiculous number of these people. They don’t care unless there’s no one better around.

I’ve just had enough of people being like this. I am always there for other people, I always go out of my way to be nice to people and make sure they’re ok, and that things go the way they want, but do you think these people even ask if I’m ok? No, of course not. They will be your best friend one minute, then as soon as someone better comes along it’s like they don’t even know you.

I think A is right. I have a lot of anger. And eventually it’s going to come out. Eventually I am going to end up telling someone what I think of them and the way they act. 

This just leads me to lots of negative thoughts – no one cares about me, I am useless, I’m obviously a crap friend, I must be boring, I’m always people’s back up, people treat me like crap because it’s what I deserve…

And then I start to question my real friends. Do they really care? Are they just too nice to tell me that they don’t like me and to go away? Are they going to leave too? 

And S, is he only with me because he feels sorry for me? Or maybe (in the words of the ex) he’s “only with me until someone better comes along”. 

Now I’m just paranoid and feeling very lonely. I don’t even want to talk to S now because I said earlier that I feel like I’m being really clingy and he said “a bit” so now I just want to leave him alone. I know I talk to him all the time and I always tell him I love him and I miss him but that’s because I do, and I do need constant reassurance that everything is ok. I don’t like being clingy, I’m not trying to be but I am doing it anyway. Now I feel like doing the opposite. Just not speaking to him because I don’t want to drive him away by being clingy. I didn’t mean to be annoying and clingy I’m just a mess and I really want this to work this time. I guess I was trying to be affectionate but I got it wrong. Seems like I can’t do anything right.

Time for bed, and oh look I’m crying again. Pathetic.