**Trigger warning – self harm**
Last night I went out with my society from uni. We had a “mad hatters’ tea party” theme, and I was quite excited about it, had made an excellent hat, and we were expecting quite a few people to turn up.
Only 2 non-exec members turned up. What a disappointment! On the other hand – more cocktails for us.
I drank too much. I am not used to drinking vodka, as I usually stick to peach schnapps (which is half of the alcohol percentage!) so drinking vodka obviously got me quite drunk!
After a bit of a mix up going into town, it ended up that I was on my own, and so I didn’t want to go to the club in case I couldn’t find anyone.
It was on the walk home that I realised how drunk I was. I walked home alone, crying. I was swaying and not walking in a straight line. I don’t really know how I managed to get home safely in that state, but I did.
I opened the front door and then crawled up the stairs.
I felt awful. I wanted to die. I wanted to speak to S. He was getting back from holiday late last night so I texted and asked if he could ring when he got home.
I cried and cried and thought about taking all my tablets. I didn’t. I cut my leg instead. Not very deep at all – only scratches really, but just enough to make it bleed a little. I barely remember doing this, but the evidence is there to see.
I was lying in bed in the dark with my knife and then threw it on the floor.
I must have fallen asleep.
I woke up at about 4:30am, feeling a bit dizzy and sick. Got a glass of water and then realised that S didn’t call me. Was very upset about that.
This morning S texted me and said that I did speak to him on the phone last night. I have no recollection of this at all. Apparently I said “I love you. I miss you. I need you.” and not a lot else.
How embarrassing. And it’s not fair. We aren’t even together anymore so how can I say that stuff to him?
We spoke on the phone this morning and I did a lot of apologising and crying. I still don’t know if I want to be with him or not, and whether it would be a good idea to be in a relationship right now.
I told him about the self harm and he was really upset. I had promised him before that I wouldn’t do it again. But I did. I feel terrible and I don’t even know why I did it.
At the end of the day it doesn’t actually help me, does it? It just hurting. It’s just a punishment, just a way to change the pain.
I feel ashamed. I feel like a horrible terrible person. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just want to feel better and I don’t know how.
And this is why Ellie shouldn’t drink.