Ramblings of a tired Ellie

Yesterday I took my last dose of Mirtazapine. I’m now off it completely.

Only the propranolol left now, and technically that’s to prevent migraines (although it has just been increased to reduce anxiety).

So we’ll see, what is Ellie like when she’s not on antidepressants? This is the first time in over a year and a half that I have been completely off them. I’ve tried 5 different medications in that time (citalopram, fluoxetine, sertraline, venlafaxine and mirtazapine), and a range of dosages for each one. And none of them helped. Not one.

So this has led me to the conclusion that it is unlikely that antidepressants are going to help. And this probably means that my depression isn’t a chemical imbalance, which means it’s not biological, which means it’s my fault. And medically, I should be ok. But I’m not.

There are still more medications I could try. But is there any point? If I haven’t reacted to five, what difference will one more make? 

I am going to try not being on any for a little while and then we’ll see. I’ve got an appointment with the psychiatrist but it’s not until the end of February.

And then there’s the other question: is it depression? Or is it depression and something else? Or just something else entirely? Or worst of all, is it that I’m just making a fuss over nothing, and it’s all in my head?

Who knows? I don’t. The GP doesn’t. No one seems to know.

On a more positive note, today I caught myself feeling hopeful, having aspirations for the future – that kind of thing. I was surprised (in a good way), and just for a while I thought F*** you depression, I can do this, I’m going to get out of this, and I’m going to achieve.

That’s an improvement from how I’ve been recently.

Although now I am tired. Not sleepy tired (well that too) but just exhausted – physically and mentally. I don’t want to do anything. The hope is gone. 

When it gets to this (as it does quite often in the evening/night) the best thing to do is sleep. Sleep all night and then tomorrow is a new day.

And tomorrow I will drag myself out of bed. I will dive into the shower, rush through getting ready and power walk to the bus stop. And I will go to uni, whether I like it or not. And it will be hard, but I will be ok, because I have to be ok. I have to appear ok anyway.

And then tomorrow evening, when I want to retreat to my room and hide, I will get ready and I will go to my friend’s party, because that’s what friends do. And I might leave early, I might come home and cry, but I’ll be there because that’s what friends do.

Why can’t I just have a few days to just escape. To just unwind completely. To rest and just be me. No obligations. No people. Just rest.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Shame it’s never going to happen.

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