**Trigger Warning – Suicidal Thoughts**
Today has not been good.
I got up (just about) and got to my 9am lecture. It was boring as hell (statistics) but I made it. Then I went to my lab, where we had to listen to her lecture for 3 hours!! Again, boring, but I made it.
I went to the doctors. I was sitting in the waiting room. There were lots of babies and young children. That was a trigger in itself. And then when some of the babies cried, I started crying too. Too many painful memories. Too many “what if”s…
By the time I got to see my doctor (over 20 minutes late) I was feeling really really rubbish.
When she asked me how I was getting in, that was it – I was off, in floods of tears (again).
I told her I’m frustrated because nothing is helping. How my mood is all over the place and is so unpredictable. About not being able to concentrate and feeling worse because of my weight. About just feeling awful.
She asked if I have people I can talk to. I do, but I don’t want to. I don’t want people knowing just how bad it is. Then they would worry. So I drip information. Different things to different people so no one knows the extent of it.
I told her I don’t want to do this anymore and I can’t see an end to this. She said that things will get better in time. I’ve given it a year and a half, and things are getting arguably worse.
I can’t tell people, my doctor included what I think about. They will just worry and I’m not worth worrying about. I can’t stop thinking about dying. Ways to die.
Everytime I see a speeding car, I’m so tempted. Seeing the frozen canal… so tempted. The tablets, the knife….
But don’t worry. Because I’m “low risk”. This is because I don’t want to hurt my friends and family. I don’t want them to have to go through my pain. So just for them, I’m still here.
But the real truth is. If it didn’t affect anyone else, I’d be dead by now. All I cling on to, all that is keeping me safe is that I don’t want to cause other people pain.
Why can’t I look after myself?
I just want something to stop the pain.
All productivity for today has gone out of the window. I’m in bed, pajamas on, stuffing my fat face with chocolate raisins and probably going to have a sleep after this.
I can’t do my work. I have so much stuff to do and I can’t do any of it.
Am I just lazy? Why can’t I do what everyone else can do?
I’m sick of getting extensions for my work. Do you really think an extra week is going to help me? No it isn’t. It’s more time, but the work is still not going to be any good. Not compared to how I could do, if I was feeling good.
I’m drowning in despair and I can’t see a way out. What am I going to do?
I’m going to let everyone down. I have a social tomorrow for the society, I don’t want to go. I have work to do; I don’t want to do it. I have lectures and seminars, and I don’t want to go. I just want this all to end. Too much pain here.
And all of this triggered from seeing a couple of babies.
I’m pathetic. I want to give up but I don’t have the guts. How pathetic is that?