**Trigger warning (suicidal thoughts)**
It’s amazing what the cold, fresh air of Lancaster can do.
I was feeling very very rubbish* when I wrote my last post “I really don’t care anymore” so I decided to get dressed** and go for a walk. It must’ve been about half 9. I walked to the mini Sainsburys to buy chocolate raisins*** but they didn’t have any, so bought some midget gems and then walked down to the mini Tesco to see if they had chocolate raisins.
Must admit, they did and I bought some too. BUT I’m saving them for another day (ate the midget gems tonight instead!)
Feeling really really low, I could not walk past the paracetamol without buying some. 2 packets, which is how many you are allowed to buy. I starting thinking about building up a stash again. But this thought has now been banished.
So then on my way home, I decided to walk by the canal, which is quite pretty. It was freezing; I could see my breath in the air, and parts of the canal had frozen over. Couldn’t help wondering if I would die if I jumped in. It was dark, cold and quiet… would anyone even notice? (Before anyone worries, this thought has also now been banished).
I walked along the canal for a while. I looked up at the stars. Such a clear night here; we can never really see the stars at home (living in London, what do I expect?!) I could see loads and loads of pretty stars, and I tried to take a photo with my phone to put on here, but duhh.. it was too dark to see them on the camera! But they were so pretty. I just stood looking for a while (must have looked a bit odd, but I don’t care).
I had my ipod on, listening to quite sad songs I guess (A team, Jar of hearts, All at once). But the fresh air helped. And the stars. And the music. And being completely alone, looking at the beauty of the stars. I decided that one day I’m going to carry on walking along the canal and see where I end up, it looks pretty!
I got cold, and realised my housemates would start to wonder where I was, so I walked back to the house. I came in, warmed up a bit and actually did some work. I spoke to my dad on the phone, and even practiced some lovely statistics on SPSS – my favourite thing ever!**** I’ve been through most of the work sheets from the seminars, and now I think I’m going to try and get a good night’s sleep, before tomorrow.
I’m feeling a lot more positive than before. I have worked out that the test isn’t worth much anyway, and if it goes badly it’s not the end of the world.
Even if it will feel like it for a while.
On my walk, I also used a technique which I read about on Amanda’s blog. She wrote a great post called “I will not do it today“. I said this to myself tonight, as I walked along the canal. I said “I will not do it today. I will see how tomorrow is.” That put me at ease in itself – it’s not a long term commitment, but it keeps me safe for today.
The chances are, tomorrow won’t be quite so bad. And if it is, then tomorrow I will say “I will not do it today” and I will keep trying.
So the moral of the story is, a short walk can do the world of good. It did for me, so maybe next time you’re feeling really low, a short walk to get out of the house could be just what you need. I’m not going to pretend it has solved everything, but even if nothing else, it’s getting out of the house which can be an achievement in itself!
So now, I’m off to bed. Hoping tomorrow will be ok, and hoping for a good night’s sleep to help me prepare!
P.S. I was going for lots of Asterisks today, but didn’t get enough! WeeGee the title is still yours!
*this seems to be the word I use to say how I feel, it says what I mean without sounding too scary, but as usual – understatement
**I had already got into my PJs when I got home from uni :$
***Best comfort food ever (and not TOO unhealhy*****)
**** Sarcasm, just in case you were worried about my love of statistics!
*****compared to most chocolate