You don’t. That’s the only answer I can find.
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year, and I’ve felt for a while like things aren’t quite right. It’s not because of anything he has done, it’s more that I’m a mess at the moment so a relationship is probably not the best place to be, especially because of all the memories/flash backs I get about things with the ex.
So tonight, amidst lots of tears, I spoke to him about it. I told him that things don’t feel right any more and I’ve tried to fix it but I can’t. I’m going back to Lancaster on Saturday and I think being apart, and me feeling like this would just end up with arguments and us hating each other.
I don’t want that. He’s my best friend. I love him, and I never wanted to hurt him, but we’ve decided to call it off. At least for now.
I don’t know if it was the right decision, and I can’t stop crying, even though this is my decision. He said he loves me. He said he wants to be with me, but he thinks if I feel like it’s not working then it’s probably for the best to end it now, on good terms.
He promised we will still be best friends and that he’s always there for me. I believe him but the prospect of being on my own scares me. But that’s not a reason to stay, is it?
Maybe if I wasn’t away for most of the year then things would be different… But I am, and they aren’t so this is how things are.
My other thought is that maybe I’ve just gone into self-destruct mode. I love him, that means I care, a lot. So maybe that’s why I’m running away from it? The problem with all of this is that even though I love him – he is my best friend, and he is lovely, I’m not IN love with him, and things just don’t feel right.
Maybe one day things will be different and we can try again. Maybe…
Maybe I’m going to realise I’ve lost the best thing that ever happened to me, maybe I’ll be too late… But I can’t live on maybes.
I need to get better and that has to be my number one priority right now. Maybe a relationship is not what I need, but I do need friends, so I hope he will keep that promise.
Can’t believe the sheer amount of tears which has come out of my eyes tonight!
I wish things could’ve worked because he really is so lovely…
I feel so selfish. He has been there for me through everything in the last year and a half, and now I go and end it. I never wanted to hurt him, and now I have. He put up with so much to be with me, I always thought he would be the one to leave me, but now it’s me. And I don’t even know if it’s right…
Sorry for the long train of thought. I just feel sad, really really sad.