I’ve been home from uni for a week now,
Everyone said I would feel better when I went home. I don’t. I’m not surprised, but no one knows how to deal with me.
I’m a mess.
I’m working over the holidays to get some money, and I used to like working there (even though its only a supermarket.) the people are nice, and the work isn’t too bad, and the money is always nice.
The first day I worked I felt quite good; better than I’ve felt for quite a while. But as the week has gone on I’ve felt worse and worse.
After work on Thursday I went to a Christmas party, where I was the only sober one, and I ended up doing a lot of the clearing up,despite arriving very late (because of work.)
I drove home. My dinner had been kept in the oven, and it has dried up. I broke down. I couldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t about the dinner.
I went to bed still crying, I hoped I’d feel better in the morning. I didn’t. I don’t.
I haven’t managed to do any of my uni work, and I’m struggling to be “happy”, even in appearance.
So tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I’m working, it’s going to be busy and probably stressful, but I’ve had the weekend off, and will have 2 days off (Christmas day and Boxing Day) after tomorrow.
I have tried to break up with my boyfriend several times. Eventually he’s going to give up on me.
I don’t want to break up, it’s just me pushing people away. Everytime we get close, I get scared so I try to get away. It’s stupid,and I’m hurting him and myself by acting this way.
It’s irrational. But then again, I already know a lot of my behaviour is irrational.
I have an irrational fear of letting people down, of failing or even making mistakes. I’m irrationally sad most of the time, and I have no direct reason for it.
I feel like I’m losing control more and more. I don’t know how long this will go on for.
I’m a mess.
Just got to get through Christmas, and then I can get on with everything else.
~~~
But I should be happy at Christmas.
I have no bad Christmas memories, no reason to hate Christmas.
But it’s so much pressure. You must be happy, you must get everyone appropriate presents, you must “cheer up- it’s Christmas!”
In an ordinary state of mind, I would be looking forward to this Christmas.
It’s a time where I get to see my extended family, where we will all be together, including my cousin who is one of my best friends. There will be lovely food, and presents and everyone will be in a good mood. We may even manage to get through Christmas without arguments, yet I can’t make myself excited.
I am hoping that after work tomorrow, my Christmas spirit will appear!
~~~
I know this time of year is very difficult for a lot of people who might be reading this, and despite my pessimism, I would like to wish each and every one of my lovely readers a lovely Christmas.
Who knows, it might surprise us!
Xx
Merry Christmas to you Ellie. I understand a lot of what you are going through, the pushing people away, the lost feeling, the unexplainable emotional turmoil. I hope it gets better for you. Good Luck tomorrow. xxx
Merry Christmas MMS, I’m sorry that you can understand that,but thank you, it’s nice to know I’m not alone (I don’t mean that in a horrible way, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone!) xxx
Aww Ellie I’m sorry you are sounding so low. Don’t be too hard on yourself. The whole world could be made of gold but some people would still struggle with depression. Enjoy what you can and let yourself not enjoy the rest. Thinking of you and sending some warm strength xox
Thanks bourbon, you are right,it’s just even harder when everyone else is in such high spirits! And I hope you have a Christmas where you can create new,happy memories. Hugs xxx
I really hope you feel better soon. I hope you enjoy the things you used to like your work. It seems like you have a really lovely boyfriend who is willing to stand by you which shows how special he is and that you don’t need to push him away.
Hope you have a lovely Christmas xx
Thank you, yes he is lovely, and he puts up with so much – I’m very lucky. Hope you have a lovely Christmas too xx
I think xmas is a difficult time of year for many people, not just those who suffer from the mentals! But you’re right, the pressure of having to be “happy” is too much pressure to be really happy. Personally I can’t wait ’till it’s over and everything can go back to “normal”
I’m here for you, and I’m sure loads of others are, over the holiday season. xox
ps, I’m still finding it hard to catch up on everything – what happened with your exam in the end? or can you refer me to the right post if you wrote about it! xox
I can’t remember whether I wrote about it or not, but I had 3 exams – I didn’t manage to do the 1st one (so will be doing it next term), the 2nd one was hard but everyone seemed to find it hard, and I just about managed the 3rd one, but really struggled with it (my memory was not behaving itself!) thank you for asking xx
Thanks Sailor, that means a lot. Hugs xx
I’m glad you did the other two. It just shows sometimes we can fight out anxiety and we shouldn’t let it win!! xox
Oh my goodness you’re so hard on yourself. You’ve taken up the torch of your abuser. It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling, you’ve been through a lot. Be gentle with yourself take care of you, as if you were a friend that was hurting the same.
gentle hugs. I’m thinking of you xo
Thanks Zoe. That is a good way to look at it, I would never be so hard on anyone else in the same situation. Hugs xxx
hugs back! xo
You don’t need a ‘reason’ to feel bad at Christmas. An illness doesnt discriminate between the holiday season and the rest of the year – we assume we “should” feel better if we don’t have a traumatic event or bad memory linked to Christmas, but that’s like saying somebody with a broken leg should miraculously recover as the 25th draws nearer – it doesn’t work that way!
Happy Christmas to you, I hope you are able to enjoy it
Thanks jasmine, you’re right, but a physical illness/injury is a lot easier to understand/explain,because you can see it. Thank you for the Christmas wishes – I hope you have a lovely christmas! Xx
Hey, I hope you have a nice time with your family. Don’t stress yourself and as everyone else already said: don’t be so hard on yourself. Take care. xx
Thanks Juliet. I hope you have a lovely Christmas, take care xxx